“Adding public bike repair stations empowers bicyclists. It gives them more reasons to use alternative means of transportation.”
—The Park Catalog
Public Pants Mending Stations
What do Lenny Kravitz, Lady Gaga, Jennifer Lopez, and Neil Patrick Harris all have in common? You guessed it. They’ve all split their pants in public. With pants so tight these days, it’s a growing problem. These innovative repair stations are working to promote healthier lifestyles by encouraging people to walk, bend over, and gyrate more. They come with everything you need to get moving—needles, thread, and a thimble. Goodbye moon!
Public Condiment Adjustment Stations
Nearly two-thirds of workers eat lunch at their desks. But just 10 minutes of exercise a day increases productivity! Now thanks to these ground-breaking stations with state-of-the-art, pump-action plastic dispensers, more employees are venturing outside to eat, secure in the knowledge that extra ketchup, mustard, and other condiments are close at hand. It’s just the shot of hot sauce leftover meatloaf sandwiches and companies need!
Public Father-Son Relationship Repair Stations
Some of our country’s gravest blunders have been committed by presidents with serious daddy issues. Bush, Iraq, and pretty much everything Trump’s done. In these stations, a stern, imposing daddy figure who’s really a tender teddy bear is waiting to surprise you with a big, warm hug. Then he’ll look you right in the eye and say, “I’m proud of you, son.” This could change the world!
Public Gene Editing Stations
If one of your genes mutates, isn’t it nice to know that these free, cutting-edge stations are right there on the curb? Designed to promote healthier living by curing cancer, they come with a CRISPR-Cas9 gene-editing tool, Transcription Activator Like Effector Nucleases, pipettes and latex gloves. A few snips with the molecular scissors, and your DNA will be as good as new! Who says healthcare isn’t accessible or affordable?
Public Vandalized Repair Stations
These once revolutionary stations were designed to fix something and promote a positive human value that nobody can seem to remember because, predictably, the tools and equipment have been damaged or stolen. All that’s left are shorn, dangling cables attached to rusty, graffiti covered poles—a powerful testament to a well-meaning initiative that’s no longer being funded.
Public Bioweaponized Tick Removal Stations
Only a conspiracy theory? We think not. Ticks engineered as weapons in government labs are everywhere! No wonder kids prefer to remain inside on sunny days playing with their electronics. Not anymore! These stations give you immediate access to tweezers, full length mirror, and iodine tablets for possible radiation poisoning. Hey, at least their glowing green eyes make them easier to spot! Your kids will be rolling around in the grass again in no time!
Public Necrotizing Fasciitis Treatment Stations
The earth is getting warmer, and flesh-eating disease is on the rise. But the will to do something about it just doesn’t exist, and guess what, neither do these stations!
Public Gunshot Wound Staunching Stations
In an effort to encourage people to continue going to school, outdoor music festivals and Walmart, paralyzed and deadlocked city officials on both sides of the aisle all agree: Creating these stations is doable. They come equipped with blood clotting agents, tourniquets, and a framed copy of the U.S. Constitution reminding you of your 2nd Amendment rights.