You might not clock us at first, because you always fast forward through the introduction. In fact, you might not even notice our presence until we get to jumping jacks and see a woman, sidestepping out and then quickly side-stepping back in. That’s usually when she makes her comments. Her name, the one at the forefront, is usually something whimsical and toned. You can hear her abs just in the name… Naomi, Cassandra, Sammie. It doesn’t matter, but us? We’re a group of Karen's, Linda’s, MaryBethEllenAnne.
Too long we have been rejected, offended, and treated as less than. Too long have we heard the phrase “If you can’t keep up, just follow the modifier.” Are we nothing to you people? Are you so confident in your Fit Fat Toning 20 Minute Workout Cardio Dance Bonanza that you roll your eyes at our presence? You might see us as quitters, as losers, but we will no longer suffer your harsh treatments.
We might be modifiers, but we’re also people.
From now on, we will stand in the front, leading the pack of Sweaty Cathy and Sweaty Cathy Two (who is there to balance the frame more than anything else). We will force you to stare at us, instead of glazing over our figure during the hardest section of the workout.
You long to be us, and yet you deny yourself the satisfaction of catching your breath. “I could always do that instead…” you think. You won’t though. You’re unwilling to be bad at mountain climbers, and would rather throw out your back than demote yourself to our level. You see us as quitters. We see you as a fool.
From now on, we will make our own at-home exercises—ones that won’t make you want to lay on your carpeted apartment floor begging God or Satan for a moment of relief. The lunges will be slow and the high knees will take a casual walking pace. Squats will be taller and burpees will be once and then never mentioned again, fleeting like a dream. We will stop for a water break halfway through, no matter how long the time limit is, even if it’s just stretching.
Most importantly, we will do what we all truly want to do while working out at home. We will be complaining and screaming and crying. You’ll no longer have to put up with “You can do this!” Or “Just keep going!” Instead, your motivational words will sound more like “End this, please, oh my god” or “I’m going to lay on the ground for a little, keep going if you want to.”
We know you because we’ve been you. We too have tried to push ourselves past our own limits. We’ve done the squat jacks and the plank dips and the booty body rip runner rower. We’ve done it all and we can tell you it’s not worth it. The grass is always greener on the other side, or so they say. From the other side, I can tell you the grass is greener. The water is sweeter. The sweat is noninvasive. It doesn’t sit in the creases of your skin, but rather highlights the natural facial glow we know you have. You don’t need to hate us for achieving satisfaction without the pain. We invite you to join us.
Join us by signing our petition, which has taken the form of being a push-up challenge across Instagram stories. Together, we will reclaim our rights as modified workout instructors (just, like, not as quickly)
But if anyone knows Selena from Advanced Modifiers, can you give her my resume? I think I’d be a great fit.