The time is finally here. Two challengers present themselves, but only one will be crowned champion.
One, the pride of the Spanish Sea: a whale they call Pheooooo, or El Matador. A whale who single-handedly destroyed Mark Cuban’s entire fleet in this year’s Semi-Finals. Some are even calling him the G.O.A.T. of Whale Yacht Tipping.
Enter Zpheoooooo, or The Kid: a Cinderella story hailing from the coast of Waiheke Island. A rookie who has the grit, talent, and determination to upend the returning champion and ruin a financial analyst’s dream vessel. Will today be his lucky day?
Welcome to the 2024 World Yacht Tipping Finals, only on WhaleWorld Sports Network.
We’re sponsored today by BetterHelp. Any fish knows that you can’t swim it alone. BetterHelp matches you with a licensed aquatic therapist who is there for you to talk to, 100% judgment-free. Sign up for BetterHelp and start swimming upstream today.
Here they come now. El Matador is draped in the traditional Spanish yellow and red. The Kid is in blue.
I spoke with El Matador earlier today and he told us, “I just want to focus on how many yachts I can tip over. All of the things with the media, who I’m dating, all of the scandals. I’m tuning all of that out, man. I’m here to win.” A competitor through and through.
As they swim up to the starting line, I wanted to give the folks at home a quick reminder about the rules of Yacht Tipping. There are two 30-minute halves. One yacht tipped is worth 6 points. An additional point is added to each yacht tip that has a Coast Guard entity called. If a yacht is run aground, that is out of bounds.
Throwing out the ceremonial sea lion is actor Brendan Fraser, who starred in 2022’s The Whale and has even been known to compete in yacht tipping competitions himself.
And here we go! It looks like El Matador sees something. He’s racing now towards it.
Could this be his first score? He’s getting in striking distance now. The left fin is coming up! Ahh, a close call. It was just a floating pile of garbage.
Now would be a great time to remind you that we’re sponsored by HIMS. Fellas, does your dorsal fin not getting up got you down? HIMS will send you discreet free packaging to get your confidence back. HIMS, the world is your ocean.
The Kid is flanking the right side. He’s on a tear! It looks like he sees something. And here we go. He’s spotted a sinkable yacht. We see his fin coming into attack position.
For all the kids at home, this is just textbook stuff. He’s within striking distance now and boom! We have our first sunken vessel of the evening! Total and complete destruction, the yacht is split in two. Heading to the end of the first half, The Kid leads 6-0.
We’re back from the half. What an incredible halftime show The Red Hot Chili Peppers gave us.
El Matador is wasting no time. He’s on the move, using his veteran instincts. He’s spotted a yacht near the buoy. He’s getting closer, closer, and yes! A clean hit! The yacht tips over, sending its occupants into the water. The score is now tied at 6-6 with only minutes left in the match.
The Kid isn’t backing down. With a burst of speed, he closes in. His fin is up, and there it is! Another yacht tipped. The Kid leads 12-6.
But El Matador isn’t done yet. He sees another target. With the precision and grace of a true champion, he tips the yacht and it’s another point! The score is tied again at 12-12.
El Matador makes his move, but so does The Kid. It’s a race to the finish. El Matador is closer, he’s within striking distance, and with a mighty thrust, he tips the yacht just as the final whistle blows.
The crowd goes wild! El Matador has done it! In a stunning display of skill and determination, El Matador tips the last yacht and secures his victory. The final score: 18-12. El Matador is once again the champion, solidifying his legacy as the greatest of all time in Yacht Tipping.
Do you believe in miracles? Yes!