Dear Janet,
As the lockdown ends, I believe you should consider allowing me to continue working from home. Here are a few reasons why:
1. I am fearful of contracting or spreading COVID-19.
2. I commute to work via public transit and am particularly concerned about contracting the virus during the daily hour-long journey on a crowded bus.
3. I am going to be anxious at work about getting infected, and when I am anxious my feet sweat. I've checked, Janet, and sandals are definitely within our corporate dress code. So, while the new plastic barriers between our cubicles may help stop us from spraying our germs at each other, no one will be safe from my nervous toe fumes!
4. Okay Janet, you got me. I lied about the nervous toe fumes. The smell is actually the natural fragrance of the new reptilian growths that have begun obscuring my measly human skin over the past few weeks. You should know from my LinkedIn updates that I have recently become a dedicated follower of the octopus-dragon Dark Lord Cthulhu, whose worship I must prioritize above my data entry deliverables.
5. I previously mentioned my commute. Well, I should confess that I share that daily bus trip with my recent ex. Quarantining together pushed us over the edge. We started fighting about the nightly Zoom meetings I lead in which my fellow worshippers and I chant “Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn” over the course of several exhilarating hours. I suggested couples therapy to work through the disagreement, but he kept rudely insisting the ritual was “creepy,” “impossible to sleep through,” and “viscerally disgusting, honestly.” I’m still a little distraught over the breakup and I anticipate not being in an optimal state for our morning team meetings if I have to face him on my way there.
6. While working from home for several months, I have conditioned myself to only focus while swaddled in a plush bathrobe and surrounded by ocean sounds blasting on Volume 9 from my Amazon Alexa speaker. Admittedly, the robe primarily serves to help my scales absorb the various softening ointments I rub on them to keep them from chafing the remnants of my human epidermis. I think I can adjust one of my Ann Taylor suits to work as an alternative to the robe, but I assume that the ocean sounds would disrupt the office synergy. It’s your choice, Janet.
7. Speaking of my ocean sounds, I have learned from my small group worship circle that I should expect my inexplicable desire to throw myself into the open sea to join the Great Old One in his underwater hibernation in R’lyeh to soon become irresistible. Unfortunately, I do not have many vacation days left. I imagine remote work would help me maintain my daily quotas since I can bring my laptop and hotspot to the beach on aquatic worship days.
8. Actually Janet, once Cthulhu wakes from his long slumber, you will likely need to retrain intern Christine to take over my position anyway. At that point, I will have completed my scaly metamorphosis and will be ready to permanently descend to my Lord’s chamber. I imagine onboarding will take longer with social distancing precautions at the office, so I figure you could use the extra time and get started now. I suppose you can also consider this my official letter of resignation. Thank you for your leadership, Janet! I will miss everyone at the office and will recommend you all to be spared when the Great Old One begins his apocalyptic sweep of the world. No promises, though!