For most of the calendar year, it is not Opposite Day. Friends who offer to pay the bill, pay the bill when the bill arrives; cars stop at stop signs as indicated by the “stop”; eight-year-olds who say they like your haircut mean it with complete and heartfelt sincerity. We maintain normalcy in societal function by doing and saying what we mean.
This is thrown to the wind on Opposite Day and today, for a full 24 hours, we will feel the full brunt of its fury. Here’s what experts believe you don’t need to not know about not Opposite Day.
Opposite Day has a long history dating back to first grade. It can be triggered at any time, in any place. More than 100 Opposite Dayologists, Day of the Week Researchers have come to a near-unanimous conclusion that today’s Opposite Day was triggered by my friend’s child, Kalley, who expressed that I “had a nice haircut… on Opposite Day.”
As today’s Opposite Day epicenter, patient negative zero if you will, I would like to say I am riddled with guilt for having a haircut that could cause a nationwide Opposite Day. The supply chain is struggling enough as it is without cargo ships clogging up the Mississippi because they were specifically instructed not to clog up the Mississippi.
I’ve mulled over again and again how I could have prevented this and I’ve come up dry. But I will say this: contrary to popular belief by Kalley and her friend Courtney I did not get my haircut at the Ugly Store. Or rather I DID get my hair cut at the freaking Ugly Store and it looks absolutely BAD (just kidding (just kidding I was just saying just kidding to make it true because it’s Opposite Day (just kidding (just kidding about the just kidding right before this just kidding. That just kidding is serving the same function as the second “just kidding” (just kidding (wink)))))
So what does Opposite Day mean for you? How can you and your family safely navigate Opposite Day? The number one rule: do not fight Opposite Day. You are not strong enough. If you, for example, pick up your good friend’s child Kalley and her mean friend Courtney, as a favor to your friend who is going through a hard time and you are complimented on, say, your most recent chop only to find out it is Opposite Day, DO NOT rebut with “that really hurt my feelings.” You are setting the Opposite Day aggressors up to say “your feelings are hurt on Opposite Day” and then keep telling you your hair looks good on Opposite Day and it will really hurt because your hair actually is a little shorter than you had planned so you’re already a little self-conscious. As an example.
The proper, and frankly, only thing you should do is repeat, “I know you are but what am I?” with increasing volume. It is not foolproof, as you run the risk of thinking too hard and realizing “if I say ‘but what am I'” on Opposite Day that implies I do know what I am but sometimes I don’t feel that way. If I knew who I was, I would have let my hair grow out, but I made a snap decision to cut it and that’s just not me. But unfortunately “I know you are but what am I?” is all we have.
Opposite Day is scary and difficult and affects all of us in different and profound ways especially if you have recently updated your look. Hold strong to your not convictions and you will “never” get through this, as long as no one under the age of ten looks you in the eyes and says “whoever smelt it dealt it” when the dealer was clearly a really stinky 18-wheeler we were passing.
That just hurts.