This movie may contain scenes of happily married couples interacting pleasantly that will remind you of your current marital strife. (This is not intended as a reflection on your inability to reach a peaceful accord through your marriage counselor despite years of trying.)
This movie may contain scenes of well-behaved children demonstrating perfect manners and thoughtful dialogue with adult relations that are sure to reflect on your crop of monsters destroying the theatre cushions. (The writers denounce any social commentary, actual or implied, in their work.)
This movie may contain scenes of women capable of balancing families, extra-curricular social lives, and well-meaning careers, which will have you questioning your inability to finish folding the laundry and drink a cup of coffee simultaneously. (You should in no way view the film as inspiration for getting your life together.)
This movie may contain scenes of men actively engaged in raising and educating their children, complete with weekend sports and late-night homework sessions that could cause you to seek additional alimony support from your dead-beat ex or estranged boyfriend. (The producers wish to remind you that this movie should not be cited during any legal proceedings.)
This movie may contain scenes of women demonstrating complete confidence in their bodies, words, decisions, and actions, prompting you to feel inadequate. (Men are advised to avoid watching in the presence of anyone who identifies with feminist tendencies. Women are cautioned to keep watch parties to groups of less than five to limit the perception of “hysterical riots.”)
This movie may contain scenes of animals demonstrating better behavior than the average elementary school student, causing you to question your childrearing skills. (All animals are closely supervised and trained by professionals with strict contracts against working with humans.)
This movie may contain scenes of clean houses, organized bookshelves, folded laundry, and empty dishwashers that will reflect poorly on the current state of your home, prompting immediate embarrassment. (This film is not recommended for home viewing; please reserve theatre seating for yourself and any intended houseguests.)
This movie may contain scenes of workplaces with coherent operations, responsive management, responsible sick leave policies, and sympathetic co-workers; viewers may feel a pressing need to submit an immediate termination notice. (The production team reminds viewers the writers were likely high when composing the script.)
This movie may contain scenes of perfectly choreographed dance scenes designed to make your sycophantic gyrations on social media appear comical to the casual viewer, resulting in abject humiliation. (Dancers are trained professionals under the strict supervision of paid choreographers. Do not attempt at home.)
This movie may contain scenes of flawless baked goods, exceptional cooking prowess, and delightful bartending recipes executed by complete amateurs that could spark a sudden interest in a new hobby. (All food and beverage items used during the filming are prepared by professionals with decades of experience. Duplication should not be attempted without strict supervision.)
This movie may contain scenes of elaborate wedding ceremonies and glamorous receptions designed to make you regret every decision made for your approaching nuptials. (Producers waive any responsibility for arguments, lawsuits, or explosive budgets that may be incurred as a result of watching this film.)
This movie may contain a happy ending despite impossible personality quirks, absurd plotlines, and innate human traumas, leading you to believe in the inherent goodness and optimism of the world. (Kindly remind yourself this is a work of fiction and does not represent any actual persons, living or deceased.)