Should you be allowed to consider yourself among the nation's “ultimate college students”? If you answered yes, you're wrong. Everyone knows you have to complete a 10-question quiz before you can label yourself as ANYTHING.

Now take this quiz and perhaps you can redeem yourself. Check one box for each question:

1. What time do you wake up on Sunday?
A. 8 AM – Early bird catches the worm.
B. 10 AM – Jesus caught the worm and he is going to feed it to me during church.
C. Noon – I accidentally drank the tequila worm last night and it wants out.
D. What the hell is a worm? Is today Sunday? Nevermind, I'll just have a morning beer and polish off any remaining brain

cells.
2. What is the ratio of your school supply:alcohol spending?
A. 100:0 – Beer is bad.
B. 75:2 – I enjoy a few spirits with the gentlemen.
C. 50:50 – I'm well rounded and drunk.
D. 0:100 – I thought alcohol WAS a school supply.
3. What do you think of the movie Animal House?
A. Didn't see it. I only like art house films such as The Piano.
B. Didn't see it, but I would like to.
C. Damn masterpiece.
D. They based John Belushi's character on me.
4. How often are you online?
A. Only when I'm studying.
B. Occasionally, I like talking to people.
C. Quite a bit.
D. What's online? I call it pornstream.
5. What do you think of Dave Matthews?
A. I leave as much “Space Between” us as possible.
B. I liked “Crash Into Me.”
C. I love him. I own all his shit.
D. I would allow him to ass rape me—regardless of my gender or sexual preference.
6. What can you do with a keg?
A. I can call the police if you are using it.
B. I can have the kegmaster get me a beer.
C. Tap it. Fill it. I'm nice.
D. Drink it. By myself. With or without you.
7. What is the walk of shame?
A. Leaving class with a B- on my paper.
B. Walking to my dorm from the library.
C. Leaving my hookup's place early in the morning.
D. Allowing other people to see me walk.
8. How much do you spend on books?
A. As much as necessary. You can't put a price tag on education.
B. A lot, but I end up using them to balance my table.
C. A little, the rest for important stuff like beer.
D. Books? Is that like a type of beer?
9. What do you typically do on Saturday night?
A. Study, I'm productive.
B. Hang out with friends, watch SNL.
C. Party. With or without B. friends.
D. When I remember, I'll tell you.
10. What is your favorite part of college?
A. Getting a great education.
B. 4 years of fun and learning.
C. Consequence-free environment.
D. The solidification of a life of alcoholism and insomnia: God bless it.

Now scroll up and give yourself:

1 point for each A
2 points for each B
3 points for each C
4 points for each D

YOUR SCORE: You may type your total score in the box to the left, but only if your memory needs visual reinforcement (what do you think this is, an ONLINE quiz??).

 

Your Score

Your SUPER-OFFICIAL Assessment
1-9 points You didn't finish the quiz, stupid. What are you, in high school?
10-15 points You are every dean of admissions' wet dream. Go have a beer before suicide catches up with you.
16-25 points You have a relatively well-balanced lifestyle. But you're in college, so that's bad.
26-34 points Not bad, a few more hangovers and hospital visits and your condition may improve.
35-40 points Jesus Christ, you're an animal. See you in prison.
41+ points Congratulations, you're the ultimate college student. And since getting a 41 is mathematically impossible, you obviously cheated, which makes you even more impressive. Bravo.
Related
Tending the Register of a College Town Liquor Store
Brad Stennerson
August 25, 2020
Your College English Class, An Introduction to Monetizable I.P.
Joseph Viner
August 30, 2024
10 Tips for Successfully Getting Through College
Wesley Jansen
February 25, 2017
A Guide to College Theater Class Warm-Up Games
Elsa Nierenberg
March 11, 2019

Resources