“Hi, all. Lamar here, checking in. I logged on to share some great news—my battle with the rash is finally over after three long days. Thank you for the around the clock support. I wish I could take a moment to celebrate, but it seems it’s out of the frying pan and into the fire: this morning, I awoke to find a new mole on my left forearm. It looks incredibly angry and dark, with irregular, raised edges. Obviously, this malignancy will quickly spread to my entire body; life without skin will be a waking nightmare, so I’ll need your support more than ever.”
“Hi, I’m Connie—loving wife, daughter, and adjunct equine history professor. On April 21, I first noticed several swollen lumps on the sides of my neck. After extensive testing of my symptoms by means of repeated Google searches for “huge lumps neck cancer dying,” I’ve been self- diagnosed with a very rare and aggressive tumor that typically only exists in sharks (and/or a mild sinus infection). Please give whatever you can spare to my attached GoFundMe, toward what I can only imagine will be astronomical medical bills.”
“Hi everyone, Geoff here. Thanks for checking in on my arduous journey as I bravely battle Intermittent Malaise Disorder. As I mentioned 38 posts ago, and then again 17 posts ago, and also 4 posts ago, IMD is so rare it isn’t yet officially recognized by the American Medical Association or Google. That’s why Facebook groups like these are so important, so we can share our symptoms and many, many, many setbacks. So far all we definitely know about the disease is that it seems to target middle-aged Caucasian men making between 58-81k per year named Stephen, Carter or Geoff (never Jeff, perhaps tellingly). It generally presents with intermittent pangs of a vague, almost imperceptible malaise that even our GMC Sonoma Touring Edition or our designer clothing (Chaps by Ralph Lauren) can’t overcome. Attacks generally happen at the DMV, while re-watching the 2015 Orange Bowl on our DVR, or anytime we go without speaking for more than 45 seconds in any business meeting. We’re conducting additional clinical trials in my neighbor Stephen’s three-car garage so we can be freed from this hell. I’m so frazzled, I barely eaked out a full 36 holes this morning.”
“Hi, I’m Jess. I’m new to this group but just wanted to say you shouldn’t vaccinate your kids. My friend vaccinated her kids and it caused her friend’s kid’s neighbor’s dog to have autism. FACTS ARE FACTS. I joined this group because I’m so afraid their vaccines may have rubbed off on me during a recent playdate. Can anyone provide stats, preferably from the Jenny McCarthy Institute or Official Medicine or similar?? PS: This isn’t Jessica Biel…it’s…definitely not me.”
“Hey guys, Cinda here, last night was really rough…in the middle of my nightly 3 a.m. worry Googles, I felt at least 12 minutes of light throbbing on the right side of my head. I took two aspirin with water hoping it might keep me alive until the paramedics Rick and Karen arrived (we’re on a first name basis); mysteriously, the pain subsided. Unfortunately, a quick web search for “brain pain sudden fatal condition” indicates that I am most likely having literally thousands of deadly hemorrhagic strokes (and/or mild stress headache or dehydration). I’ll keep providing updates for as long as my spatial and reasoning abilities hold out, likely another 2-5 minutes.”
“It’s me, Lamar. MIRACLE ALERT: The mole has fallen off. “
“Hey y’all it’s Jennie. Sorry that I couldn’t provide an update yesterday, I’m sure everyone assumed I passed in the night. I suffered another setback which left me so exhausted that typing just wasn’t an option. After my legs fell asleep TWICE IN ONE EVENING while sitting cross-legged in my home office, I dragged myself in a panic to the front door (like, I could walk but it felt so tingly, so this was the best option) and into the car, where I drove nearly four miles to urgent care Once there, I was forced to wait over 21 minutes to be seen, during which time I could literally feel my body shutting down. The receptionist said I just fell asleep in the waiting watching Family Feud, but I KNOW MY BODY.”
“Lamar again. Still shaken from my brush with death after the mole scare. There is an infinitesimal chance the mole was a fragment of an Oreo cookie, but medical science hasn’t yet come far enough to be definitive. Running follow-up tests. #molegate #skincancersurvivor #neverforget.”