As the board of Spaz-erratic Toy Company LLC, we first and foremost must offer our sincerest condolences in the wake of this unprecedented and unthinkable tragedy. Spaz-erratic is the foremost name in safety and caution in the children’s toys community, and it is beyond comprehension to many of us at Spaz headquarters that our new eighty-foot-tall action figure Gargantuan Gary could be the cause of such a painful accident.
How could we have known that 2nd grader Billy Brambles would be so elated by the Gargantuan Gary action figure that his loving parents gifted to him for seventh birthday, that he would attempt to bring the roughly forty-two-hundred-ton toy into school with him to present at show and tell?
And how could we have known that when he realized he was unable to bring Gargantuan Gary onto the school bus with him, he would ask all of his 2nd-grade schoolmates to help him to lift the action figure on top of the bus so that it could be transported to school that way?
And how could we have known that when the children were unable to lift Gargantuan Gary as a group, though their effort was certainly noble in and of itself, that the bus driver would also de-bus in order to assist the children to lift the toy?
And how could we have known that upon realizing the action figure was too large and unwieldy to be properly balanced atop the bus, which measured a mere thirty-five feet compared to our Gargantuan Gary who stands at eighty feet, that the bus driver would then radio a second school bus driver who owed him a favor to drive his location to further assist in the lifting efforts?
And how could we have known that the collective effort of the bus drivers and the combined strength of the children from both school buses together would be enough to heave Gargantuan Gary into a stable resting position laying across both buses?
And how could we have known that with very deliberate and well-coordinated driving they would be able to successfully arrive at Billy Brambles’ school with Gargantuan Gary intact, much to the shock of many of the school staff?
And how could we have known that the school principal would insist that Gargantuan Gary was inappropriate to have in the classroom as it would “be a distraction,” both because of its massive stature as well as children’s inherent interest and enjoyment of well-made interactive toys, and that he would decide to store Gargantuan Gary just outside of the faculty lounge until the end of the day so that the toy could then be taken home?
And how could we have known that during a retirement party being held in the lounge for the school’s Spanish teacher of 37 years, Jillian Parsons, that the karate chop action mechanism which is installed in all of our Gargantuan Gary action figures, would at that moment malfunction and cause the eighty-foot-tall interactive toy to chop its hand straight through the walls of the lounge, severely but non-fatally injuring several party attendees, including recent retiree Ms. Parsons herself?
In light of this incident we, the board members for Spaz-erratic Toy Company LLC, are currently reassessing all karate-chop-related safety standards for our entire line of Gargantuan Gary action figures to ensure such an incident never again happens, and we extend our deepest condolences to all those who were affected by this unprecedented accident.
We would also like to congratulate Ms. Parsons, and wish her both a happy retirement and a speedy recovery.