If you're like us, you love your local NPR station for its unbiased coverage of local and national news, compelling stories, and deep-dives into subjects you never knew you wanted to know about.
In fact, the only downside to listening to public radio are those pesky pledge drives! Every three months your regular programming is interrupted by polite yet persistent requests for your donations. We are listeners, just like you, and we are here to end this pledge drive in record time and get you back to your regular programming.
That's why we've taken your local NPR station hostage and won't leave until we've reached this quarter's fundraising goal.
The muffled screams you hear in the background are from your favorite cheerful-enough-to-keep-you-from-wanting-to-commit-murder-on-your-commute morning show hosts. Once we're done with this pledge drive, we'll untie them and remove their gags so they can bring you more about the latest developments in electric cars and an in-depth look at the banjo quartet releasing a cover album of Wu-Tang Clan's greatest hits.
No one at this station does what they do for the money. They are here right now because they provide an important service to you and your family. And we know you appreciate each and every one of them, from the hosts to the technical staff to the interns who aspire to hover just above the poverty line as a public radio employee someday.
That's why we think you'll be excited to participate in the hourly challenge that will end this drive today! We are hoping to raise $10,000 an hour for the next 24 hours, and for every hour we don't meet this goal one of our hostages will be forced to read excerpts from Joe Rogan's four-hour interview with Alex Jones. We know you love this station, and your contribution will save these hostages from this humiliation. Please think about them so we can end this drive before any more damage is done.
There are many ways to give today:
The Messenger's Club
Perhaps you want to give every month as a sustaining member. If you pledge just $25 per month for the next year, we will send you a brand new NPR coffee mug. With this popular gift, we will include a note from one of our hostages that you can give to their families.
The Negotiator's Circle
If you are in a position to donate $5,000 today, you can join this exclusive group. This includes benefits like exclusive offers on tickets to live events, a meet-and-greet at the upcoming David Sedaris show, and we will release a hostage with your donation.
The Public Wheelman
If you have been thinking of getting rid of your old car, you can donate it. The proceeds from the sale of your car go straight to your local station. Today we are giving special consideration to gently-used vehicles that would make good getaway cars.
You keep listening during the pledge drive because you truly love your local NPR station. Wouldn't you do anything to keep something you love alive? Consider donating today so that we can remove the barricades from these doors, put our guns away, and get back to listening to This American Life and Wait Wait… Don't Tell Me!
But we can't do it without you. We still have $7,327 to raise this hour. If you would rather hear an episode of Ask Me Another than Jan from the morning show read about DMT and lizard people, we ask that you dig deep and end this pledge drive today.