Monday
The package I ordered on Amazon gets delivered, but the box is really hard to open. I use the small blade to cut through the packing tape.
Tuesday
I sign up to bring a salad for our company potluck. While I’m outside picking fresh vegetables from my garden, I spot a deer grazing on my lawn. I wave the knife menacingly at it until it scampers away and then return inside to chop the carrots, tomatoes, and romaine lettuce with the large blade.
After preparing the salad, I learn of a local E. Coli outbreak. I use the tweezers to pick out all the suspicious-looking veggies.
Wednesday
I apply to, interview for, and begin an apprenticeship as an electrician. As I use the wire stripper to repair the city’s electrical lines, a tree falls, pinning my leg under its trunk. I use the wood saw to free myself.
I then whittle the fallen log into a tasteful mid-century modern footstool with the carving knife.
Thursday
I receive an invitation to a charity bachelor auction. The night of the auction, I manicure my cuticles using the nail file feature, hoping to yield the highest possible price. However, upon arriving, I learn that I’ve been invited not as a bachelor, but a bidder. Furious, I use the sewing hook to sabotage the real bachelors’ tuxedos, leaving them completely nude. Now the only one left wearing a tuxedo, the organizers beg me to go on stage and save the event. An all-out bidding war ensues, and a wealthy dowager wins me for $10,000.
We head back to my place for a romantic dinner on my patio. When we arrive, I’m outraged to find deer droppings all over my back porch. I clear the area using the multi-purpose hook, and the two of us enjoy a seafood risotto under the stars.
Friday
I wake up blindfolded and handcuffed to what feels like the mast of a ship. I can hear the roar of the wind and smell the salt air. I use the pliers to free myself and realize I’ve been indentured on a deep-sea fishing boat. I open the fish scaler tool and begin cleaning the day’s catch, hopeful that a few decades of hard work can buy my freedom.
As the sun sets on the horizon, I use the bottle opener to crack open some ice cold beers and bond with my shipmates. After chatting for a bit, we decide to stage a mutiny together, eventually taking control of the ship and sailing home.
Saturday
It’s the day of my Mayoral Inauguration Ceremony. On the way to city hall, my subway car stops, and it’s announced that a mechanical issue has halted transportation.
Saddened to miss my swearing-in, I hang my head and happen to spot a loose screw on the floor. I use the Phillips screwdriver to reattach the screw—and the train lurches forward. I make it to city hall just in time for my oath of office.
But just before I can say, “So help me God,” I hear a loud whinny, followed by a shriek of the crowd—a police horse is sprawled on the ground, writhing in agony. Withdrawing the hoof cleaner, I approach the horse and dislodge the stone wedged under its horseshoe. The media mobs me as the horse gets back to its feet and nuzzles me affectionately.
As the crowd cheers and the city reveals my mayoral bust, I notice the nose is slightly crooked. I use the stone chisel to touch up the sculpture.
Sunday
After one of the most stressful weeks of my life, I feel like I’ve earned a little R&R.
Using the corkscrew, I open a bottle of Merlot. I then cube an aged Australian cheddar with the small blade and pop the pieces into my mouth using the toothpick tool.
For the first time all week, I set down my Swiss army knife, kick my feet up, and rest my eyes.
Later that evening, using the gutting blade, I disembowel the deer that's been grazing on my lawn all week.