“From the stage, [Trump] asked: ‘Who do you like more, the country or Hispanics?' … ‘I don’t know. I may have to go for the Hispanics, to be honest with you. We got a lot of Hispanics.'” —NBC News
ROUND 1
The Country: Gave us Major League Baseball
The Hispanics: Gave us Big Papi
Winner: The Hispanics
Score: Country 0 – Hispanics 1
ROUND 2
The Hispanics: Gave us guac.
The Country: Put peas in it.
Winner: The Hispanics
Score: Country 0 – Hispanics 2
ROUND 3
The Country: Gave us capitalism.
The Hispanics: Gave us gorgeous beaches and currencies that are lower than the dollar as a direct result of US intervention thereby creating destinations where those who benefit the most off of the labor of others can take a nice beach vaycay for cheap!
Winner: Iberostar
Score: Country 0 – Hispanics 2
ROUND 4
The Hispanics: Gave us Despacito.
The Country: Gave Justin Bieber a verse in it.
Winner: Everyone wins. It’s Despacito.
Score: Country 1 – Hispanics 3
ROUND 5
The Country: Gave us Pop Star Bruno Mars
The Hispanics: Gave us baby Bruno Mars (he has Puerto Rican and Philippine ancestry)
Winner: The Country
Score: Country 2 – Hispanics 3
ROUND 6
The Hispanics: Gave us cocaine
The Country: Made it marketable.
Winner: Wall Street Bros
Score: The Country 2 – Hispanics 3
ROUND 7
The Country: Constantly in fear of being “invaded” by Hispanics.
The Hispanics: Constantly in fear of being invaded by the Country.
Winner: The DOD budget and Latin American dictators
Score: The Country 2 – Hispanics 3
ROUND 8
The Hispanics: Gave us paletas
The Country: Gave us Dippin’ Dots
Winner: The Country, duh.
Score: The Country 3 – Hispanics 3
ROUND 9
The Hispanics: Feeling weird? Go to church.
The Country: Feeling weird? Go to therapy.
Winner: Big Pharma and The Vatica
Score: The Country 3 – The Hispanics 3
ROUND 10
The Country: The Oscars
The Hispanics: Oscar Isaac
Winner: The Hispanics
Score: The Country 3 – The Hispanics 4
ROUND 11
The Hispanics: Get consistently accused of being rapists.
The Country: Wouldn’t prosecute them even if it were true.
Winner: Boys being boys.
Score: The Country 3 – The Hispanics 4
ROUND 12
The Country: Constantly debating the scope and impact of its racist past in an attempt to seek equality.
The Hispanics: Eh?
Winner: The Country
Score: The Country 4 – The Hispanics 4
ROUND 11
The Country: Ashlee, Ashleigh, Ashli, Ashly, Ashllie
The Hispanics: Maria, María, Mariana, María Luisa, María Paula
Winner: No. Points deduction to both.
Score: The Country 3 – The Hispanics 3
ROUND 10 — TIE-BREAKER
The Hispanics: Are not actually a monolith but several cultural groups derived from a loosely shared geographical point of origin and ancestry. They are, regardless of their current location, working in consistent and painstaking pursuit of their dreams– trying to make life better for the generations that follow.
The Country: Is not actually a monolith but a geographical location that contains people from many cultural backgrounds who live together in the consistent and painstaking pursuit of their dreams– trying to make life better for the generations that follow.
Winner: Everyone. If we all can get our shit together.