That sound that just escaped my throat, somewhere between a howling hyena and Seth Rogan, was actually just an involuntary laugh at something I just wrote. See, I come here to write humor because I like the feeling of being in a crowded room without having to interact with anybody.
Obviously, nobody wants to hear the funny thing I wrote, right? I know you’re all staring at me, since my laugh set off the smoke alarms—by the way, that’s a weird thing to happen isn’t it?—could be all that vape juice stuck in my lungs got squeezed out by my mirth and activated the smoke detector sensors. You’re asking the wrong guy, though.
I’ll be back to my business now, please ignore the fact that I’ve now positioned my laptop towards the entire room and bolded, highlighted, and increased the font size of the very funny thing that I wrote that made me laugh so hard my spleen is quivering.
Baristas, you can just write on my cup, “very funny guy, humor guy, hahah” if you want, but I’m pretty sure everyone in here already can guess that I’m pretty hilarious. Okay, I’m done talking.
What? I didn’t say I was done laughing, did I? Ha Ha. No, but seriously I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh so hard all your headphones fell off.
Now wait a minute. That’s a very serious accusation! You really think that I would just go around removing people’s headphones just so they could hear me laugh at the funny things that I’m writing? I take umbrage at that. I find that umbrage-inducing.
I’m not sure what that would even achieve—I mean, so let’s say I did remove all your headphones violently, and that now you’ve all gathered around me ready to pounce, let me ask you this: you don’t have to be embarrassed, if you want me to read the funny thing I wrote you only had to ask! I’m not a monster.
Let me just read over the setup again to make sure it’s a properly constructed joke. This will take me a minute. Don’t go back to your seats, though, I’m a fast reader and these eight pages won’t take me very long. If you’d like you can try to think of positive feedback, or even just do some stretching to really loosen up those humor muscles. Mine are already in tip-top shape, if you can’t tell.
Huh, didn’t make me laugh that time. That’s weird! Maybe it was the spontaneity of the moment. I have a condition that makes me forget everything I write after I put it in a document, so it’s kinda like 50 First Dates when I read something. Yeah, it’s a real condition.
You are all standing just a little close for comfort, by the way. I’m not above shouting for help. You know what might really calm things down around here? Maybe if you read what I’ve been working on. It’s an ironic humor piece with several layers to dissect and engage with. I mean, there’s so much going on in it, you can barely tell what’s happening. Trust me, that’s a good thing.
Oh, you just wanted your headphones back that I shoved into my backpack earlier? Why didn’t you say so. Communication is key, friends. If just a few of you could stand by, I could maybe workshop the bit? I really want to nail this joke.
All right I think I got it. AI says it’s a certified gut buster—8.9 out of 10 on the Giggle Bot Scorecard. I think it’s ready. Okay everyone, I’m going to read it. Here goes:
If a guy in a coffee shop writes a joke and no one laughs, is everyone in here a stuck-up asshole?
Huh, see, I think I read it wrong or you all would have died laughing.