Hi fellow employees,
As Marketing Director of Golden Sunset Nursing Homes, I understand you might have some questions about our new advertising campaign. Particularly the fact that its target audience is reptilian-human hybrids. So, let me fill you in on why this might just be the savviest business decision anyone around here has ever made.
Why did you do this?
It’s simple really. I did some market research and realised none of our competitors were targeting reptilian-human hybrids. This seemed like a huge oversight. After all, this whole subset of the population needs a comfortable place to rest their scaly head in retirement.
So, in collaboration with our ad agency, I created the first-ever campaign that directly targets a cryptid species.
It’s disruptive. It’s innovative. It’s going to transform our nursing home and endear us to a new kind of retiree. One who’s spent decades hiding their dark secret from the world, and is now ready to relax and live out their days in peace.
Sorry, going back quickly… What is a reptilian-human hybrid?
Glad you asked. There are secret underground government bunkers dotted all across the country. Inside, the government forces a reptilian-like alien species and humans to copulate. The result is a half-human, half-reptilian creature that lives secretly among us. They can effortlessly shape-shift between forms, live almost entirely off the sun’s energy, and have reptile-like eyes, even when they’re in human form.
Why target them now?
Like all great ads, this campaign started with a simple insight: the government began funding the reptilian-human-hybrid breeding program in the late 1940s, which would make the first generation around 70 years old. In other words, the perfect age to discover the wonders of retirement living with us.
And why are we bothering to target them?
Nobody else is! There’s a vast untapped market out there. In fact, my estimates suggest there could be up to 50,000 of these hybrid reptilians living across the country. And like I said, some of them will now be around retirement age.
How are we communicating this to people? Sorry, to reptilian-human hybrids?
Through a carefully planned three-month campaign. This will include press, radio, billboards, and country-wide TV spots. In each one, we begin by showing reptilian-human hybrids in their human form. They’re relaxing outside in the sun. They’re taking a meal in our cafeteria. They’re enjoying a spirited game of gin in their games room.
But then, once they’re in the privacy of their own rooms: boom. Through the magic of CGI, we show them shape-shift into their terrifying true form and relax.
Yes, our typical audience of quiet retirees will probably be deeply disturbed by seeing this. But that’s the risk we’re taking to tap into this new market.
How much did these cost to make?
Great question. These commercials, while fantastic, went around $50,000 over our initial budget. This was mainly to ensure that the CGI effects on the fake reptilian-human hybrids looked as realistic as possible.
When you see the finished commercials, I think you’ll agree it was money well spent.
What celebrities do you think are reptilian-human hybrid?
This is a bit off-topic. But I’m willing to answer it because speculating wildly on who and who isn’t a reptilian is one of my favourite things to do.
Right now, the ten most famous reptilian-human hybrids are: Elton John, Taylor Swift, one of the Tom Hanks’ children (I can never remember which is which), Don Cheadle, three of our last four presidents (I’ll let you guess which one isn’t), Dua Lipa, Tom Brady, and Mark Wahlberg.
Could we use one of them as a brand ambassador? Maybe Elton John?
I wish. I’ve actually asked his representatives several times whether he wants to star in an ad campaign that outs him as a reptilian-human hybrid and has him endorse a retirement village that, after those three mysterious deaths last summer, is just barely hanging onto its accreditation. But for some reason, they never got back to me.
What if this fails?
It’s not going to fail. I’m almost positive about that. But, on the off chance it does, it will mean bankruptcy for the business and the loss of all your jobs. I really can’t understate how much money we poured into this.
But if this strategy works—and I think it will—this is truly just the beginning for Golden Sunset Nursing Homes. We’ll be able to target all different types of markets. For example, I’ve got a killer idea for an ad that I think could raise brand recognition in the werewolf community. Or a clever campaign that will convince aliens to choose us for their twilight years on earth.