Dear Community,
We’re reaching out because your password has been leaked in a recent security breach on our banking mobile app, NonCents. As a startup that’s technically not a bank we think that—like our company itself—this “hack situation” is actually pretty chill.
What Happened
We goofed, lol. What we thought was just a bug in our system (happens all the time) was actually— eye roll—a Russian hacking unit. We pinged the #dev channel on Slack and our CTO Trevor dropped a meme of a sad panda.
What Information Was Involved
So, deadass, it wasn’t just your password that got leaked. These dudes in Russia also grabbed your full legal name, address, and credit card info. Definitely cringe, but as a tech startup that is not part of the Federal Reserve System, we’re kind of impressed. Seriously, this hack was lit.
What We Are Doing
The #dev team all threw thumbs up emojis on Trevor’s sad panda meme, so it looks like this is on their radar. We’ve also reported the incident to the necessary data protection authorities because our CEO’s cousin, who's a lawyer, said we had to.
What You Can Do
1. Shred your credit cards and order new ones
2. Change and encrypt your passwords
3. Keep using our mobile banking app, NonCents
For More Information
Use #DataLeakParty2021 on social media and one of our interns will respond with a GIF.
Re: Your password has been leaked, but it’s chill
Sup?
Checking in to see if you gave those credit cards a shred and encrypted your pw’s. If not, you absolutely should because, no cap, we just got hacked again (I know, right?!).
What Happened
Alright soooo the Russians are at it again :/ . I totally swear we’re trying to escalate the issue internally, but tbh even though we’re a startup that’s technically not a bank this whole data leak thing looks pretty bad. We’ve lost some investors, so our top priority right now is throwing bigger and better parties to find new ones. We’re not backed by the FDIC, so these parties would not be possible without your monthly subscription: Thank you!
What Information Was Involved
As you know, the hackers have already harvested your most sensitive private information. This go-round they hacked our social media sign-in feature to nab that same info from your friends, family, and people you met one time at a party in college.
What We Are Doing
This is still in the hands of the #dev team—but it can be hard to coordinate because they’re all remote contractors, and the time zone differences are pretty killer. Also, we’re really hungover from all the parties.
What You Can Do
1. Hope and pray
2. Keep using our mobile banking app, NonCents
3. Come work for us—we’re hiring!
For More Information
Respond to this email with your celebrity crush and we’ll send you a 10% discount code for our merch store.
Fwd: Re: Your password has been leaked, but it’s chill
Just forwarding this to our CEO’s cousin, the lawyer, forgot she wasn’t on our email newsletter list.
My bad, Stacey! See you at the foam party tomorrow night?
Re: Fwd: Re: Your password has been leaked, but it’s chill
OMFG—you guys, we're SO sorry. Check out the deets below:
What Happened
Ok, turns out Trevor is not Trevor but some guy named Vlad and the entire #dev team are his roommates/hacking unit. They’ve completely weaponized our mobile banking app (!) and are demanding $5M. What do they think we are, a bank?
What Information Was Involved
This time they hacked into our CEO’s iCloud and have his nudes.
What We Are Doing
Meditation and breathing exercises. In the fast-paced world of a startup, mental health is important.
What You Can Do
1. Meditation and breathing exercises
2. Keep using our mobile banking app, NonCents
3. Let us know if you're interested in investing in a high-risk/high-growth business venture
For More Information
Recommend us to a friend for the chance to win a free hour of legal consultation from our CEO’s cousin, Stacey.