Gracious Benefactor
Congratulations! You have given $100,000 in loans to our university, all of which will be used to construct an oversized hammock in the faculty break room. The joy of swaying in a ginormous piece of fabric will power your professors through doling out those C’s.
At $200,000, receive Drawstring Backpack embroidered with the university sigil.
Risk-Taker
You officially declared the Experimental Liberal Arts Class as your major. As you level up, possible life paths include True Crime Podcasting and Stay-At-Home Child. Roll a critical hit on a 60-sided die to guarantee your future success, and adjust your gold capacity by -20.
Choosing Experimental Liberal Arts reduces chances of purchasing property.
C’s Get Degrees
During sophomore year, you skillfully calculated exactly how many classes you could miss without us calling your parents about academic failure. Gain +2 Useless Math and +1 Persuasion when this achievement is obtained.
Achieving C’s Get Degrees locks off area “Graduate School.”
Tax Evader
Despite being taught about them in middle school, you never understood taxes and ultimately failed to file them properly in college. Roll a 20-sided die to determine if you can evade the legal consequences. Equip Emotional Shield to handle the realization of how much money is taken out of each paycheck.
Your Tax score reduces your chances of earning achievement Crawl Out of Debt Pit.
Phoned Home
Color us impressed. By your senior year, you managed to call your parents twice without asking for money. The first time, it was a butt dial that you felt bad about as soon as your mom picked up. The second time, you were only calling for their Hulu password but, hey, effort is effort.
A ping alerts you to a text from your mom. It reads, “Are you okay??”
Culinary Maestro
You cooked for the first time since freshman year! Actually, does microwaving count as cooking? Either way, enjoy the hot lettuce in that reheated Chipotle you bought when you were drunk. Gain +2 Life Skills You Should Already Know.
The Taco Bell near campus seems to call to you. . .
Next Achievement: Food Poisoning
Took Note
Wow! You took a note in class. One singular note, but a monumental achievement nonetheless. This is one bit of knowledge you will never forget. Well, you will forget what you wrote, but it’s the thought that counts.
You receive a notebook that reads, “Skim syllabus.” Yeah, nothing else.
College Comrades
Nice job student, you made a best friend! Your classmate, who you are still desperately trying to remember the name of, helped you cheat on that midterm. How could you get any closer? Heck, you even waved hello to each other in the dining hall. You might as well ask her to be the godmother of your future child!
This classmate is now available as a companion . . . once you remember her name.
Über Uber Passenger
Last Friday night, you held yourself from throwing up until you got out of the Uber. You kindly vomited in the university-owned topiary instead, achieving a five-star passenger rating from driver George. Gain +1 Socially Accepted Alcoholism.
Graciously accept the royal title of “Vomit Vanessa.”