The Price was Right, But Everything Else was So Wrong
Worst experience in a public bedroom of all time and it happened to me. You see, I had just picked up a very doable, drunk hooker...
Comedy Writing
Dunkin’ Donuts’ Coffee Burned My Soul
I am suing the crap out of Dunkin' Donuts. I don't really have a choice. Their coffee burned my soul and they are going to pay dearly for it.
How to Fix the Economy Using the Pyramid Scheme
The pharoahic masterpieces built by the Hebrews are an instant economic bicep curl. It's a very simple business model, really.
All Quiet on the Naked Front: Waging War on Men’s Locker Room Etiquette
I am now an army of one, fighting to end the atrocity that has crippled so many: gratuitous old man nudity in the locker room.
Pony Up, Lottery Cowboy
It’s about time a lottery winner was so decent that a media outlet ruined its worldwide credibility by deeming him newsworthy. Neal Wanless, go fuck yourself.
It’s a Swingers’ Party, Let’s Bounce
I have been asked to be a bouncer at a swingers’ party. I’m told the job entails being a doorman/hole monitor, but I have some questions before I say yes.
Supreme Court Justice League Softball
The Supreme Court Justices gather for a round table discussion to decide who is going to fill the holes in their Lawyer League Softball lineup. Conflict ensues.
Everybody Gets a Girl
This is a description of next Friday night. The cast of characters is a typical group of guys ranging from true relationship Neanderthal to engaged and no longer erectus homo on the bachelor evolution scale.
The Rise and Fall of Iron-Shoed Mike
This is the tale of the rise and fall of one of the most famous horses ever, Iron-Shoed Mike. I use the term 'horse' lightly, because horses rarely bite other horses' ears off, or get tribal tattoos on their faces.
I’ve Stopped Believin’, Journey
Congratulations, Steve Perry and company. You wrote the perfect song for drunk and sober people alike. But even though I can never get Don’t Stop Believin' out of my head, it’s over between us, baby. I've heard enough of it.
Pretty Decent Proposal
Okay dude, I have a pretty decent proposal for you. I was going to buy an anniversary gift for Shelley, but instead, I am offering you the last 6 bucks in my wallet to fuck your girlfriend.
Six Ways Women Use the Word “Pussy” During Sex
I guess some dudes boner up over dirty language, but I just can't stomach pussy talk. As far as I'm concerned, a girl should never actually reference her vagina unless she quietly and simply points at it.