I’m Not a Monster, I’m a Method Actor
It was not I who called her “a useless swath of dogshit,” it was, in fact, Chicago crime lord Tony Ligitano.
Comedy Writing
I’m Not a Bad Person, I’m a Performance Artist
You see, when I was fired from my job at Target for stealing money out of the register, it was actually a clever commentary on American capitalism.
When Am I Ever Going to Use This in the Real World, 2021 Edition
The grocery store is like a math classroom come to life. This fact is true even as the global food supply chain crumbles.
I Don’t Care What the Critics Say, My New Memoir “Look at My Awesome Life” Is Not a Vanity Piece!
It was never my intention to glamorize having lots of sex with beautiful women and I'm sorry if it came across that way.
The 12 Months of Midwestern Winter
May: The Memento effect begins to set in as the temperature starts to go up. You start to hear people say things like "Winter wasn’t even that bad."
What Critics Are Saying About My Debut YA Novel “The Altitude Between Us”
“With monotonous passages that seem to drone on and on, it felt at a certain point like the author himself had switched to auto-pilot.”
Have I Ever Been to Paris?
In Paris, we cry. In Paris we drink too much and enter the wrong apartment, accidentally sleeping in the wrong bed. That’s Paris.
A Definitive Ranking of My Best Jokes of 2005
When I came back from Spring Break ‘01 with a beach shop muscle tee and wore it to school, it took Jefferson Middle School by storm.
A Letter to the School Board of Pastoral County on the Future of Our Schools
I would like the board to be aware and consider the fact that my house is a piece of garbage and I am rotting inside of it.
Forgotten Fast-Food Movie Tie-Ins
Santiago’s Secret Sauce: Like the death of Marine William Santiago in "A Few Good Men," this crossover promotion was both tragic and unnecessary.
Judd Apatow Endings of Classic Hollywood Films
"Titanic": The tryst (an additional 56 minutes of footage) enables 100-year-old Rose to learn more about herself and what she wants out of life.
Why I Went to Greg Johnson’s 8th Birthday Party Instead of Going to See Michael Jordan and the 1996 Chicago Bulls
The party was going to have two different kinds of ice cream cake. / I had serious concerns whether Dennis Rodman was going to be a good roster fit.