Don’t Underestimate Me, I’m an Absolute Madman
"I CAN'T DO THIS! I'M NOT A HERO!" I screamed, but then I turned around and looked into the eyes of a nation of adorable, hairless little Pygmies who believed in me.
Comedy Writing
My High School Football Halftime Championship Speech
It ain't the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. I know because my cousin operates an underground dog fighting ring.
How to Look for the Positive in Everything But the Test Results
We can all look back at ourselves and choose to regret or be embarrassed by what we've done, or we can say, "I met a lot of interesting people in that cult."
Reaffirming My Faith in Humanity
Sometimes I wonder why people could be so depressed. The world we live in is so amazing and beautiful, and we should all be thankful that we're in it.
Will Your Death Amount to a Joke?
Native Americans believe we have two spirits inside of the same body. Which may explain why my Aunt Carol was such indecisive old bitch.