Andrew Richardson Gaithersburg, Maryland

I don't drink anything under 180 proof. My mother's amniotic sac was composed of Everclear. I've got chicken pox on my dick. I pick up sluts outside the abortion clinic. I've seen more snow than Santa Clause. I was serving the homies on the block before I fell out my mother's ass. When I step in the bowling alley it's like Thanksgiving dinner. I start every day with 4 grams of yay. I've been the neighborhood drug dealer since 8th grade, and I go to AA meetings to find out where the party's at. Professional dick-head, amateur pornstar. I habitually get blackout drunk, assault law enforcement officers, dodge tasers (three to be exact), scale fences, run a lot faster than Montgomery County cops and wake up in the late afternoon with a debilitating hangover. Maybe it's my two-year jail sentence that was suspended for a brutally violent crime that gives me my never surrender mentality. The last thing the judge said to me was, and this is a verbatim quote, "If you get one more alcohol citation during your two years of probation, we will be back here talking about how much of the two-year sentence you are going to serve." Welcome to my life.