A New Pool for America
I feel like President Obama is a dad who comes home one night after a few martinis and tells the family they're getting a pool, then wakes up the next morning like, 'I said what??'
Comedy Writing
A Primer on Surviving Imminent Financial Collapse in the U.S.
Fear not, there are ways of making your way in the post-apocalyptic free market economy. Start by burning your house down and collecting insurance.
Rehab: Summer Camp for the Broken
Rehab is essentially summer camp for the broken. Your family has to drag you there, you cry the first night, and a few people get kicked out early. Oh, and arts and crafts.
Translating Mel Gibson’s Rant
I submit to you that Mel Gibson may not be as crazy as you think at first glance. Let's all take a deep breath, and really look at what was said.
Pride Over Prejudice: The Gays Reign This Parade
The Pride Parade is a time-honored Chicago tradition wherein the collective gay community marches through Lakeview, Chicago in sequined underwear.
A Measure of Acclaim for the Critics
10am popcorn is the norm for the few and proud who call themselves movie critics, and I have recently been ordained one of them.
Why Does Lindsay Lohan Have a Personal Assistant?
Lindsay Lohan hasn't been in front of a movie camera in three years. Does she really need someone to carry around her duffel bag full of Xanax?
Dear iPad-Wielding Hipster
<p>Dear Hipster,</p><p>Hey man, how's it hangin'? I saw you on the subway yesterday and after the little "show" you put on, I just wanted to touch base with you about some things you might consider working on.</p>
The Flying Coffin
In the confines of that stalled Airbus A320, I realized we, as people, are nothing without our connection to one another. It defines us. It makes us alive.
Waiting Tables: The Best Paying Job You Never Wanted
I work at a restaurant from time to time waiting tables. This is what you do when you are trying to 'make it.' It’s an old cliché I feel comfortable fulfilling.
Art School is for Cowards
Why hello there, I'm Bill Dixon. I'm a Virgo, I enjoy long walks on the beach, and I like to start columns with cliché, one-man-show style openings.
Facebooking My Biological Father
The following are actual Facebook messages between me and my biological father, who has been absent from my life since I was about five years old.