Requests for My Make-A-Wish Bachelor Party
Dear Make-A-Wish Foundation, I've recently been given three weeks to live. Because I am 12 and have not yet experienced a bachelor party, here is my list of requests.
Comedy Writing
Help! I’m 7 and I’m Lost Forever in This Kmart
Welp, this is how it all ends. If there's some sort of service to remember me, please have them mention my karate belts.
The Top 4 Crown Fried Chickens in Philly to Puke In
So you're way too drunk in Philly, huh? That second 40-ounce is coming back up as a sacrifice to the porcelain gods? Head to one of these Crown Fried Chickens.
Other Things Jared Kushner Looks Too Young For
Jared can come to the gym if he's supervised by an adult, but otherwise, all that big, heavy machinery makes it too scary of a place for a fella like Jared.
7 Reasons Why “Cars 3” Might Bring Back My Dad
It was three tragic hit and runs that took my father away from us. And if my dad was killed by three cars, shouldn't Cars 3 be able to bring him back?
A Field Guide to the Flowers of Fart Town
The fifth graders got their way with the mayor, and it was a sad day to see the "Welcome to Cherry Hill" sign knocked down in favor of one that reads "Fart Town. Population: P.U."
Can You Identify Which Artist Named Drake Left This Tour Rider Behind?
In order to respect the artist's privacy, I can't disclose his/her name. However, I can describe in detail the piece of paper I found outlining their tour requests.
I’d Love to Get Eaten
If I got eaten, nobody would be sour on me anymore. They’d use words like “valiant” to describe my life and valiant death.
The Cold Hard Truth About Snuffalupagus
So, you want the inside scoop on Snuffy, Big Bird’s best pal? Well, here’s the cold, hard truth: Mr. Snuffalupagus wasn’t imaginary at all, he was a crook.
Please Stop Making the Ice Age Movies: An Open Letter to the Studio from Scrat
Though I may only be a tiny, saber-tooth squirrel, I beg you, hear my squeaky voice. I am tired and broken, and I miss my family. Don't do this to me again.
You’re 33, I’m Not Coming to Your Half-Birthday Party
My niece is seven, and half-birthday parties are barely acceptable for her. And she’s a goddamn princess. Are you a princess, Lou?
The Library of Congress’ 2017 Selections for the National Film Registry
Today, the Library of Congress is proud to announce this year’s list of eight films to be added to the National Film Registry.