You’ll Never Guess What CNN Told Me About Venezuela
Venezuela has suggested that CNN is only doing stories about Venezuela because CNN might be feeling a little bit insecure about its own newsworthiness. OUCH.
Comedy Writing
A Desperate Love Letter to Santa
Dear Santa, how's the Mrs.? Have you given any thought to the arsenic? I promise it's painless. I promise I can make you feel young again.
The Twisted Christmas Miracle in the Woods
As I stood in the woods digging the hole to bury the old man, I realized he wasn't quite dead. And that's when he told me a story of Christmas I'll never forget.
Milestone Legal Case: Rudolph v. North Pole Reindeer Team (1964)
Rudolph 'the Red-Nosed Reindeer' Jenkins, famous for being discriminated against because of the color of his nose, and not allowed to join the reindeer team, was in court following the Christmas of 1963.
Lovely Love Poem
Our love was real. Our love was true. Our love was like a cat that had ample milk to drink in a bowl of purity. Or some weird simile like that, you know?
Nothing Was Written in Stone, Fred, You Know That
Dear Fred, I'm sure by now you have realized I'm gone. It's not that I didn't love you. I did. We had some really great times in the early days. But I couldn't wait for you anymore. -Wilma
The Kings of Sesame Street
Hanging out with Kermit was like getting a backstage pass into a world of cool and exclusivity. He knew all the important guys in town and seemed to have been with every girl worth being with.
Impromptu Oscar Acceptance Speech
Oh my God! Thank you so much for this award. First of all, I'd like to thank Jesus for this award. He's the reason I have this award. If it wasn't for Jesus I'd still be serving baby back ribs at Hooters.
A Public Service Announcement for the Awareness of Unicorns
What if unicorns ran the world? Could such a wondrous time exist? Would they allow regular horses to stay? I'm sure you ask yourself this every day. I know I do.
My Starbucks Employment Application
We at Starbucks take coffee very seriously, dating it for six months before we even consider making a breast move. If you would not sell your own mother into white slavery for a good espresso, please just go apply at Tully’s.
Help, I’ve Broken the Glass Ceiling!
911 OPERATOR: Ma'am, did you mean you literally broken a glass ceiling or you metaphorically broke “the glass ceiling” by becoming a woman in power?
Dracula Runs for County Judge, District 3
A county judge has to use his intellect and sense of decency and fairness to decide important issues facing people's destinies. That's why I have decided to run for this judgeship.