Why Amazon’s New “Lord of the Rings” Show Is So Expensive
Bulk of budget devoted to keeping Aragorn looking as wet as possible at all times.
Comedy Writing
Don’t Talk to Me Until I’ve Had My Coffee!
Before coffee, I’m, like, a zombie feeding on its own, like… brains or whatever, and struggling to complete straightforward zombie analogies.
You Have to Learn Coding! It’s the Only Way to Survive the Job Market and the Wrath of Our Robot Overlords
It’s the only way to hack job market, make killer money, and convince our Robot Overlords to let you keep your original brain!
With These Latest Mass Shootings, We Condemn the Violent Influence of Princess Zelda, Donkey Kong, and Super Mario
Mario is the lust for violence incarnate wrapped in a disguise of respectability. Those green pipes you see are hardly plumbing simulators.
Yes, Chick-fil-A is Totally Evil—But on the Other Hand, Waffle Fries
Who could possibly resist the siren song of a factory-farmed chicken breast wedged between two nondescript slices of bread? Plus a pickle?!
Trump’s Border Wall is Definitely a Metaphor, and I’m Definitely Not Riding Your Husband Like He’s a Clydesdale Taking Me West
“What is it, sugar bean?” your husband said while massaging my back. Again, we’re speaking in metaphor. This can mean whatever you want it to mean!
Early Reviews of the Leaked Mueller Report or Jordan Peele’s “Us”?
"Sure, there’s a lot of hype around this, but I trust that he created something that beats that hype, and scares the ever living shit out of us."
You are Cordially Invited to This Year’s Thanksgiving, Which My Son Will Be Filming to Expose the Sham of the Modern Family
To symbolize the risks one takes when they pledge loyalty based only on shared blood, one small razor blade will be hidden in the macaroni scramble.
Excerpts from the Harry Potter Series, Reprinted in the Trumpian Translation
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: This one’s about people from different backgrounds coming together to fight for a greater good. Skip!
There’s Nothing Quite Like Traveling Abroad and Soaking In All the Rich, Authentic Poverty
My wife and I love experiencing the unfamiliar, like state-sanctioned killings, nationwide poverty, or kooky cheeses.
Aesop’s Fables, Updated for a Capitalist World
Thinking he'd overtaken the tortoise in the race, the hare took a nap under a tree. He was right to sleep, given his Adidas UltraBoost running shoes.
The Modern Day Dinosaurs That Plague America
Because of the shape of their heads, turtles spend much of their lives looking down on whatever’s in front of them. Similar to: White people.