Cody Ziler | Points in Case

Cody Ziler

Chicago writer and performer with bylines in McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Splitsider, and The Higgs Weldon.

Comedy Writing

A light dusting of cinnamon: This makes the coffee kind of taste like cinnamon, but just a little bit.

The President shall enjoy full immunity while patting his head and rubbing his stomach at the same time.

Froot Loops’ Toucan Sam is about as dreamy as tropical birds get. Father McGillicuddy had a much harder time wrapping his brain around this one.

‘Twas I who revived your battle-weary body with the healing milk of the tri-horned bison!

Good manners are expected at all times. That means always saying “please,” “thank you,” and “our mother made a terrible mistake not baptizing us.”

How could your bandmates of 13 rad-as-hell years up and replace you when all you requested was an indefinite break to go hunt aliens for a living?

When the lives of countless transgender children are at stake, I've no choice but to raise aloft my twin sai and declare, "Fearmongers, beware!"

Couldn't you just sit me down and teach me whatever lesson it is you're going for like a normal wizard mentor? Without the near-fatal experiences?

Bureaucrats will waste zero time before pointing fingers and disrespecting the men, women, and children I'm about to systematically mow down.

Now you know, you can't just sweep your problems under the rug and hope I don't build them up into metaphors for my failures as a parent.

The Next Great American Novel won’t be written by a 27-year-old with clear braces and a Deathly Hallows tattoo.

Janet, your Rice Krispie Treats are a bit basic if I'm being honest. Still, it's a delightful biscuit that everyone in accounting should be proud of.