Things I’d Rather Hear than the Constant Ringing in My Ears
My nephew crying because I “stole” one of “his” cheese curds that I bought / Scraping claws as a monster that has haunted me since birth moves closer
Comedy Writing
My Deepest Apologies to the Staff I Terrorized at Frightwood Haunted House
I would also like to offer to pay for the damages to the building from when I ripped a meat hook out of the ceiling and swung it around my head.
Last Minute Recipe Pitches from My First and Last Day on Our Food Site’s Social Video Team
Super simple baby carrot white bread casserole / Mocha eggplant cheesecake / Sweet salmon sausage scramblinies / Bok choy bread domes
An Introduction to the Major Laws of Freelancer Physics
First Law of Freelancer Motion: A freelancer at rest will stay at rest unless that state is changed by an impending deadline.
How to Break In Your New Hiking Boots
Explain that "Interpretive Trail Hiking" won’t have a steady paycheck and encourage your boots to instead major in "Pre-Backpacking" at Bootiversity.
Life-Threatening Situations to Mark Yourself “Safe” on Facebook
You sat in silence for 18 minutes after finding out your new barber was from Long Island, voted for Trump, and has amazing ideas for your stand-up.
Honest Headlines for the Unread Articles in My Browser Tabs
"How Climate Change Is Going To Make Our Planet So Inhospitable You'll Wish You Could Mutate Into A Tree Person From 'Annihilation'" —Vox
Queer Blockbuster Movies Coming Out in 2019
"Drag Queen Zombies Attack!" Things are jockstraps and Jonas Brothers until suddenly, Mary Fairy and Anita Dick attack and try to eat their brains.