An Open Letter to the President Concerning Welfare Reforms
I don't need your commie food charity, Brocko. What am I supposed to do with all this food? I can't pawn the steaks, I already tried that.
Comedy Writing
You Shall Be My Bride, Kim Kardashian
Kanye doesn't love you. He only loves himself and his shitty, shitty music. Nobody else will have you. Nobody but me, Copernicus Thunderbird, Homeless Lunatic Wizard.
4 Questions for the New Pope
What makes you think you're better than the old pope? How good are you in a fight? What do you even do??
A Prayer for Lil Wayne
Lil Wayne, I have a confession to make: I put blizzeach in your syzzurup. My bad. I also put roach powder in your weed and heroin in your toothpaste.
Everything is Obsolete and Your Favorite Band Sucks
To all of you young people out there: in the future, you will be old, and everything around you will be new and different. It will all be stupid, and you will hate it.
Mitt Romney’s Magic Mormon Horse
Mitt Romney's magic Mormon horse shall ride into the night, all razor sharp with bayonets, a terrifying sight!
Level 30 Psychic Sex Offender
I've decided to use my powers for evil. Well, not so much evil, as pussy. You see, I'm a spiritual medium, at least according to us artist fake psychic sexual predators.
What the Shit, Batman?!
I know you're out there, Batman, and I know you can hear me. There's some messed up shit going down, and the world needs you now more than ever.
An Open Letter to Brad Pitt, King of the Tabloids
<p>Like most people, I get most of my news from old tabloid magazines that I find in the garbage while looking for food or treasure. Because of this, I am convinced that celebrities live in a glamorous alternate universe that I like to call Tabloidia. It's a world of shocking sex scandals, exposed nipples, and drunken naked chaos.
Who Wants to Sleep with a Homeless Guy?
I have this recurring wet nightmare where I'm a contestant on that game show "Wants to Sleep with a Homeless Guy?" It's on channel 13 of my magic TV that nobody else can see.
Time of the Beast
Some goddamn crazy street preacher gave me a church pamphlet because Jesus wanted me to have it. You know, because I need to know more about the end of the world.
I Dream of a Better World
<p>I dream of world peace. I dream of an end to war and disease. I dream of equal rights for everyone, and no more persecution based on race or politics or religion. I dream of a world where the poor are rich, and the rich are poor, but as soon as they become poor they get to be rich again because I dream of a world without poverty.