Existential Thoughts of a Giant Whose Fingernail is the Resting Place of an Entire Universe
Every day I put off cutting my nail only means that when I inevitably do, the annihilation of whole universes will be that much more substantial.
Comedy Writing
The Seven Stages of Dealing with the Inability to Pierce a Grape Tomato with a Fork
First comes shock and denial, as it just keeps rolling around the plate, inviting a game of cat and mouse. Except here, it's not a game, it's REAL LIFE.
An Open Letter to a Distracting Member of Our Nudist Colony
Dear Sir, lacking a way to eloquently state my grievance towards you, I will simply come out and say it: your abnormally large penis has made it uncomfortable for everyone here.