The U.S. Begs England to Take Them Back
It blows my mind that we used to be one country, isn’t that wild? But enough about me. Tell me what have you been up to?
Comedy Writing
Everything I Missed Out On While My Glasses Were Fogged Up
The “Seat Yourself” sign in a totally empty restaurant, so I stood awkwardly at the host stand for 15 minutes.
For Our Wedding, Please Buy Us Useless Kitchen Shit Off Our Registry
When we envision our future together, we can’t see it unless the $175 egg separator we picked out in Crate & Barrel is there with us.
I’m a Rubber Duck and I’m Resigning from My Position at Bathtub Inc.
I learned a lot in my four years as Vice President of Relaxation in the Hygiene Department, I wanted to offer some reasons why I’m departing.
8 New Amazon Prime Benefits to Make You Forget About Their Bad Working Conditions
Amazon is taking union-busting to another level. Starting next month, they’ll roll out a new feature to help customers get out of hopeless marriages.
Mrs. Claus Serves Santa Divorce Papers
At 1,559 years old, I’m not getting any younger. And a woman has to do what she can to make it through this cold, ice-hard world.
“Would You Mind If I Picked Your Brain?” From a Zombie on LinkedIn
As a current job seeker, I would love nothing more than to find out what exactly those thoughts are in that big, juicy brain of yours.
I’m the Screaming Baby on an Airplane—It’s a Tough Crowd Here
What’s the deal with rattles nowadays? Seems to me like a poor excuse for jangly keys! Oh, wait– can someone bring me a bottle?
I’m a Crash Test Dummy and I Hate My Job
Even when I call shotgun, I’m still belted into the driver’s seat because that’s how badly we’re micro-managed.
A Bully’s Recipe for a Knuckle Sandwich
Concocting a knuckle sandwich is a delicacy in itself, and should be taken with care.
I’m the PDF a Baby Boomer Needs Help Opening
You should be begging on your hands and knees for help. Pathetic. And deep down, you’re scared.
2020 Onboarding 2021
“Yo! You must be the new year!?” said 2020, seeming to come out of nowhere. “Welcome to Calendar Corp."