We Are Unceremoniously Laying Off a Big-Ass Chunk of the Company
I myself voraciously advocated for firings to appease investors after guaranteeing that quarterly revenue would increase by “infinity” dollars.
Comedy Writing
We Will Not Be Moving Forward with Your Candidacy Due to Our Bureaucratic and Arcane Hiring Process
You knotted your tie into a half-Windsor. Or, as we call it here, “the coward’s Windsor.” Of course, this significantly counted against you.
15 Fascinating Facts about Orthodontists
The orthodontist tends to prey on children and teenagers, but has been known to target those in their twenties, thirties, or even older.
Announcing Our Official Decision Regarding Whether or Not to Have Children
Relatedly, I’m currently embroiled in a legal battle to divorce myself from my siblings to guarantee that I cannot be made an uncle against my will.
I Should Probably Go Ahead and Buy Two Tickets For This Show
And the virtual gates are open! No way I am missing out on these tickets. Even if they sell out in minutes, I think I have my preparation down to a matter of seconds.