An Open Letter from Bill Cosby’s Sweater
I’m here because I also have a relationship with the public, outside of Bill Cosby the human, and I have to ask you all one question: We're still cool, right?
Comedy Writing
The 18-Year-Old Virgin
It's not that I DON'T want to have sex, and it's not that I DO want to have sex, it's that I simply don't give a fuck about getting fucked. And yet I feel like I should.
Dear Craigslist, I’m the Missed Connection
While browsing the craigslist "Missed Connections" section, I realized that I am the person pretty much all these people are missing so hard it makes Viagra jealous.
So You’re About to See Someone Get Stabbed
In the unlikely but entirely plausible event that you’re about to witness a possible murder go down like Chinatown, here are three important things to remember.
The 5 Stages of Going Home for Thanksgiving
If you're in the same sinking ship I like to call the "S.S. Thanksgiving Return," then here are the five stages you'll probably endure on your way to the gravy boat.
A Winner’s Guide to Acknowledging Losers
Sure you might be think that like DJ Khaled, all you do is win, win, win no matter what, but you have you ever considered the butterfly effect of all your victories?
45 Everyday Math Equations for the Non-Math Major
Fortunately, there are some equations out there that don't conjure up bad memories of wetting yourself during a math test, and I've got them here!
The Consequences of Being Single in February
February makes us remember the range of cruelty and suffering that the world (and especially Americans) put a certain minority through. Cheer up, single people.
Turning 18 for Dummies
Let’s get something straight: getting old is awful. Just ask the countless women using skin care products or men harvesting the souls of children so that they can live forever.
How to Know If Danger is Near
Be on the lookout for these five indicators of danger and you'll soon be sweating ancient Chinese wisdom and fortune... or at the very least have a less painful life.
Running to Look Good, and for All the Wrong Reasons
In order to please the general public and fulfill my subconscious desire to become a a hard ass gym coach for overweight children, I've decided to go running every once in a while.
My Living Will: A Testament to My Lack of Stuff
In order to deal with an impending death in a productive way, we write wills. It's one thing we do to feel better about taking an eventual dirt nap, besides smoking cigarettes.