My Only Regret in Life Is Not Petting More Dogs
I would pet little dogs, big dogs, toy dogs, and dogs that don’t even look like dogs. Boring dogs. Cool dogs. Hot dogs. All the dogs.
Comedy Writing
Welcome to the Ultimate Fighting Championship—But First, a Word from Our Sponsor, Toyo Tires
Champs count on the only tire to receive MMA Magazine’s “Most Ultimate Tire” one year in a row.
For Sale: Breakfast Burrito, Men’s Medium, Like New
It's got professional grade tortillas, reclaimed shredded cheese, and was folded the same way U.S. Navy Seals do out in battlefield cafeterias.
I Am a Public Figure on Instagram
See, you’re a normal person that does normal-person things. Not me though. I’ve always been more of a figure--a figure that does public things.
This Isn’t an Oversized Carry On, It’s My Emotional Support Luggage
We’ve only known each other for a short period, which can be quantified as “just shy of Costco’s return policy,” but we’ve formed a intimate bond.