The Diary of a Man Without Porn
My expectations sunk so low that I have begun masturbating to family photos. I realized that my older cousin is extremely hot, if you squint.
Comedy Writing
I’m Sorry, You Have Andy Dick Cancer
Andy Dick Cancer will never go away. You can try to live with it, or around it, but in the end, Andy Dick will always be in your life.
The Five Most Ridiculous Sunglasses in Hip-Hop
What was once an innocent tool to protect your eyes from UV rays has been transformed into the most grotesque fashion statement in history.
Hey Michael Bay, It’s Your Conscience
Thought I'd pop by and give you the update on this new Transformers movie. You know, before you show it to the kids. They are the future, after all.
Axe Shampoo Girls Sued
On August 3rd, 2009, the Axe Hair Crisis Relief girls will be put on trial for crimes against the male gender, including excessive head-scrubbing.
Taco Bell Has Perfected the Pink Taco
Thank you, Taco Bell, for helping us overcome our fear of pink tacos by making them look so delicious. When men bite into a pink taco, they don't want fish.
A Step-by-Step Guide to Naming Your Penis and Testicles
By personalizing what they love most, men make something already special even closer. Not naming your penis is like forgetting to name one of your kids.
Jon and Kate Plus 9
<p>Oh yeah, I beat off during <em>Jon and Kate Plus 8</em>. Who hasn't?! I searched the channels while the videos downloaded, and stopped on TLC when I saw the show. My girlfriend watches it, so no homo.</p>
Simile Toast Crunch, The Greatest Cereal on Earth
This is the greatest cereal I've ever eaten. It's crunchy yet smooth; bitter yet sweet. This cereal is like the Civil Rights movement poured into a bowl.
Everyone Saw You Miss That Shot
We all stared as you crinkled up the piece of paper, walked across the room, and embarrassed yourself with that jumper. You could probably fit two regulation size basketballs in that trash can, but you still missed that shot.
The Beauty of the Smoke Circle
The time before the blunt is a quiet, calm period. We all sit in a circle and watch in hushed awe as the roller works silently. Finally, the blunt goes around the room. Puff, puff, pass; puff, puff, pass; like an Olympic track team flawlessly relaying t
It’s Not Me, It’s You
<p>It's not you, it's me. Just kidding, it's you. You've been holding me back. I have inspirations, I have dreams! There are so many insights that I can't achieve with you in my life—like having sex with all the Playboy Bunnies. It's not that you're holding me back; it's that with you present in my life I can't do anything. It'll be easier without you. I have to do things on my own