Translated From the Chinese
I love the fortune cookies you get at Chinese restaurants. They're stupid, and everyone knows it, but my problem is that they don't even tell you a fortune.
Comedy Writing
Happy Birthday: Time to Die
Why allow yourself to get any older than 22 when you can commit anti-aging suicide? Here are several creative ways to out with a bang.
How to Register for Classes
You may want to drop some acid, because it'll help you get through the registration process with a shred of sanity, and also it'll make this column a whole lot funnier.
200 Feet Short of a Mile-High
I was flying on Welfare Airlines, which means you get no food and your leg room is actually someone else's seat.
So You’re Going to Grad School
Well maybe you're not yet, but the time will come when you'll seriously consider putting off the 'real world' for another two years.
The First Week Back to College
Making and abandoning new friends, picking class seats, and stocking up on microwave burritos. It's all part of the first week mayhem.
The Little Barbershop of Horrors
I think hairdressers have needlessly complicated their business to justify having a school for what they do.
Summer Vacation Fun Guide
Time to escape the dregs of your pathetic summer job in search of adventure. Here's the summer's hot-spots, from Europe to Iraq.
The World’s Newest Profession
Unlike the whole prostitution thing, Friend Hookers will make the most money with their most winning smiles and sparkling personalities.
Democracy in Action
Canadian politics take a twist when Emmanuel runs for Prime Minister. Drugs prevail, taxes decrease, and the economy hinges on Best Buy.
Road Trips (Or, God’s Way of Promoting the Airline Industry)
I was thrilled at the prospect of making the seven hour trip to London with my friends for Canada Day weekend, which is a lot like the fourth of July, except more Beavertails.
A Day at the Fair
There's something extra amusing about a French amusement park. But it's definitely not those stuffed animal prizes. You'll never win those.