Patient: (moving his leg) It hurts when I do this.
Doctor: So don’t do that.
Patient: I have to, I’m an actor.
Doctor: Can you do it differently?
Patient: Well, I’ve wanted to get into directing for a while.

— Eli Rubin, @eliisahack

If there are two things I took away from my last job, they’re kleptomania and my boss’s computer.

— Eli Rubin, @eliisahack

My girlfriend broke up with me for falsely quoting movies all the time. All I said to her was, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t care.”

— Eli Rubin, @eliisahack