An Imaginary Conversation With My New Neighbor
I'm home for break, but was told I would have a new neighbor when I came back. I'm hoping the awkward hallway conversations with him or her suck less than the current creepy neighbor.
Comedy Writing
Words I’m Not Supposed to Say
Visits home are a constant censor-fest. I have to pause for a few seconds before I speak to make sure I’m not about to insert an unnecessary but gleeful "fuck" into a sentence.
My Childhood Pets
My second ever pet was a hamster. Her full name was Cooper the Super Duper Pooper (I was like, 6, and still maintain that rhyming is cool). Like any six year old, I wanted to hug my new best friend.
10 Things Every English Major Will Do
Have you ever discussed feminism in whatever book the class is reading whether or not the subject of feminism is at all relevant? Yeah, you're definitely an English major.
This Candy is Gross and Your Beard Smells Like Shit
Look, when I agreed to get in your van, your sign said you would give me candy and a puppy. I hope you don't think you're taking a shortcut, because this is definitely the long way to get to the mall.
If Your Apartment Lease was Totally Honest
A community fee of $500 is due at the lease signing. This covers use of the STD-filled cesspit we call a pool, rusted out 70's gym equipment, moth-infested laundry center, picnic areas, and other facilities.
No, I Can’t Talk, I’m IN A HURRICANE
When you're dealing with scary weather, it's comforting to know that the school has a stoned grad school student or two checking the weather report every now and then and sending out unhelpful emails.
Your Guide to Being a Trouble-Free Stalkee
Your stalkers work hard to keep tabs on you 24/7. It's time to quit making this about you, and make their lives easier. Here are 10 simple things you can do to help ease your stalker's life!
Labeling: Not Just for Sociology
Last semester I spent 90% of class time trying to figure out why I inexplicably hated certain people. After careful analyzation, I was able to establish 10 types of people that irritate me by existing.
My Adopted Dog is Totally Neurotic
There are two things keeping my boxer Tessa and I from having that perfect fairytale family. One: she is neurotic, and two: I'm a horrible dog-mommy.
5 Reasons Why Feminists are Insane (Besides the Fact That They’re Women)
We had it good, women, sitting on our asses all day, popping out the occasional kid, and maintaining absolute silence in the kitchen. And then the feminists screwed it all up.
Uphill Both Ways: It’s Not Classy But It’s How I Get to Class
I have to walk half a mile to get to class twice a day. When the creepers and idiots are out in full force, I have a special routine for getting to campus without getting molested.