Lines from “The Bell Jar” or My 7th Grade Diary?
“I’m absolutely sure that I’ve never cried this much in my entire life.” / “The day I went into physics class it was death.”
Comedy Writing
Five Natural Beauty Products That Don’t Work as Well as That Chemical Shit
You can’t read half the ingredients and might be suffocating a baby penguin with excess sodium monofluorophosphate, but at least you’re minty fresh.
I Refuse to Be the Only One Responsible for Mom’s Birthday Present
I don’t need to remind you about the “Flower Pot Fiasco," the “Macaroni Art Disaster," or the “I Thought It Wasn’t Until Next Month” flop.
Move Over Avocado, It’s the Durian Fruit’s Time to Shine
The Durian fruit is the record-holding “smelliest fruit in the world." Now you tell me, what records does the avocado hold? That’s right, none.
Trying to Explain My Statement Fashion Choices to My Mother
Dad’s old tennis sneakers: You dated him in college when he wore these sneakers and you seemed to like them just fine back then.
Passive-Aggressive BuzzFeed Quizzes Written By Your Mom
"Poll: Are you mad at me? Because your sister insinuated some things you might’ve told her about me…"
Are You a Real New Yorker or Just a College Intern?
Mixed up bodies of water, and when your friend from out of town visited, confidently pointed towards Hoboken and said, “that’s Brooklyn over there?”
Secret Starbucks Menu Items for Assholes
This secret menu item is complicated, multi-layered, bold, and bitter: it’s perfect for the starving artist (because it’s got 12 grams of protein).
Your Honest Summer 2019 Reading List
New Yorker cartoons: You love The New Yorker. You READ The New Yorker. But 9 times out of 10 you buy The New Yorker for those sweet, sweet cartoons.
Incomplete Drafts of My Cover Letter for a Summer Internship
Dear Joan, I looked up your name on LinkedIn---because that’s how much I care about this job. I seriously need you to hire me.
Exciting New Products at Trader Joe’s
Right next to the cookie butter, inexpensive wine, and cow bell that our employees ring for no reason, you'll find all of our newest goodies.
A Guide to College Theater Class Warm-Up Games
Why is everyone taking this so seriously? Don’t let anyone see you almost cry after two rounds of this warm-up or you’ll get pegged as whiney.