Has This Ever Happened To You?
Has This Ever Happened To You?
Comedy Writing
Apple Corp. Rots as Others Unite to Puree the Industry Fruit
SAN FRANCISCO – Despite reported earnings quadrupling in the fourth quarter, Apple Computer shares plummeted in after-hours trading on Tuesday. The drop appears the result of investor confidence waning as overall sales of iPods fell short of analysts' high expectations. This news arrives just as market competitors Microsoft and RealNetworks settle their antitrust suit.
Bush Takes Beating in Polls, Demands Critics Return to Beating Around Him Instead
WASHINGTON – After his approval rating plummeted following Hurricane Katrina, President Bush has begun an aggressive PR campaign. A release of the president’s weekly schedule shows his new PR push begins on the Gulf Coast, with meetings in New Orleans scheduled early this week.
Chicago Forces Victorious in Coup of Red Sox Nation; “El Duque” to Lead New Dictatorship
<strong>BOSTON</strong> – With their post-season hopes on the line, the Boston Red Sox fell 5-3 to the Chicago White Sox. Boston, a team noted for their remarkable comebacks, was able to engineer some big plays including back-to-back homers by David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez.
US Economy Loses 35,000 Jobs, Says It’s “Really Sorry About That”
Despite the devastation caused by emerging Gulf Coastal storms, the US has only reported an unemployment figure down 35,000. Though many Americans still feel the figure fails to capture those unable to declare unemployment, US economic analyst, Jerry Gethhart downplayed such facts stating “I counted those people personally. That’s all there is.”<br />
10 Plots Foiled Since 9/11: CIA, FBI May Make Post-Season
WASHINTON - President Bush released confirmation of 10 terrorist plots disrupted since the attacks of September 11, 2001. The White House provided details regarding the plots, including a 2002 effort to highjack planes for targets on the West Coast. A similar plot designed for the East Coast was uncovered in 2003.
Cruise, Holmes Excited About Pregnancy; Fetus Declines to Comment
<p>HOLLYWOOD - After getting engaged in June, Actors Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have announced their latest project: child-bearing. The child is due sometime in the spring of 2006 and is said to be a blockbuster hit.
Bush Says More Sacrifices Needed in War on Terror, Local Virgins Not Enough
WASHINGTON – Earlier today, President George W. Bush rejected critics of the Iraq war who demand a U.S. pullout explaining that the conflict remains necessary to prevent Islamic militants from gaining a foothold and furthering their expansion.
PIC Public Service Announcement #1
PIC Public Service Announcement #1
Google Helps San Francisco Get Wireless, West Coast Now Free to Roam Pacific
SAN FRANCISCO – The search-engine titan Google has reportedly offered a deal to provide wireless to the city of San Francisco. The deal is said to cost the city itself nothing as Google intends to foot the bill. The proposal affords numerous financial advantages for the city's infrastructure.
Blogger Provides Actual News Service, Gets Banned from The Internet
THE INTERNET - Almost without warning, I’ve opted to blend the "joys of blogging" with my childhood love of journalism. Also, I’ve decided TheOnion can’t have all the glory. Consider me PIC’s correspondent in the world of half-truths and humor reporting. <br /><br />PIC Press – If you want real news, well, that’s news to us.
Miers Cites “You Don’t Know Me,” Gains Hip-Hop Cred
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a dazzling display of political prowess, justice nominee and current White House counsel Harriet E. Miers reportedly signed with Atlanta-based rapper T.I. After allegations of potential judicial ambiguity, Miers retorted, “You might see me having brunch with President Bush but that’s because you don’t know me.