Jay Gatsby Tweets About Bitcoin
@JayGatsby: If getting rich off #Bitcoin is bootlegging then lock me up, old sport.
Comedy Writing
Enjoy Your “OnlyFans for Boomers” Free Trial
An alluring smile crossing his lips, he presses down, gently, on the button under his desk. Slowly, seductively, his desk rises to standing height.
I’m Sick of the Liberal Media Telling Me How to Think—That’s Why I Get All My News from the “Pets” Section of Craigslist
It doesn’t get more local than illegal reptiles for sale in your neighborhood, now does it? At least you know that they’re telling you the truth.
Fictional Schools’ Arbitrary and Baseless Plans for Fall Reopening
Ridgemont High: All "fast times" have been canceled. Students are advised to hotbox their vans from home until the curve has been flattened.
Ten Excuses Guaranteed to Get Out of Having Sex With Your Wife
Find a project, be passionate about it, let it consume you until you have no time or energy for sex with your wife.
An Inside Look at the Crack Marketing Team at Pornhub
If I’ve already showered I’ll typically just pour something sticky on my head like honey or maple syrup and pretend it was an accident.
“Carpe Diem” and Other Things You Cannot Do
"Hannibal ad portas" --- "Hannibal is at the gates" Wait, no, just kidding, it’s the pizza guy again.