An Email to the Dean from Jesus Christ, Medical Student
While my MCAT scores were not the most competitive, I am a self-directed learner with strong communication skills and also I died for your sins.
Comedy Writing
Let’s Boycott Thanksgiving! This Has Nothing to Do with Me Being a Turkey, By the Way
Oh, is turkey a Thanksgiving item too? I guess I never really noticed, until now. Sure, maybe just go ahead and don’t make that one either.
I, Shredder, Am Happy About This Plastic Straw Ban; Now I Can Be the Number One Threat to Turtles Again
Just thinking about it gets me so angry. It makes me want to explicitly slice Raphael instead of the usual implicit slicing I do.
I, The Boogeyman, Think You Should Vaccinate Your Child
What’s the point of locating a family to scare and waiting under a bed, if when I crawl out to scare the kid, they’re not even in there?
Blue Apron Continued to Deliver Me Food While I Disappeared From Thanos’ “Snap”
And you charged me for all of it?! That’s over $15,000! Listen, I’m not made of that Tony Stark money
Beloved Canadian Horror Films
Better find a good cuddle buddy for "The Strangers 3: Come On In The Door’s Unlocked!", "The Exorcism of Celine Dione," and "Get Out, Please."
The Galactic Empire Could Benefit From Some Cultural Sensitivity Training
I’m an Ewok, you idiot. Not a Wookiee. Do all intelligent, bipedal, brown, hairy non-humans look the same to you?
The Family in “A Quiet Place” was Actually Afraid of Noise Pollution, Not Monsters
How is communicating in sign language, walking on sand trails, or keeping your children in soundproof rooms, really that different from recycling?
I’m a Tiny Earthquake and I’m Sick of Being Objectified By the Richter Scale
I am a strong, independent, intraplate earthquake with good near-field vertical ground motions. I don’t need a bunch of tools telling me my worth.
I’m a Cholesterol Molecule and I’m Sick of All This Fat Shaming
Doctors always say things like "watch that cholesterol." They are unwarrantedly suspicious and overtly vigilante over an entire group. It's profiling!
An Open Letter to Whomever is Opening My Letters
Who the heck owns a letter opener anymore? I’ll tell you who: people like me, looking for socially acceptable ways to always have a knife nearby.