<p>Zounds, Xenomorphs!</p><p>This week finds your antipodean agony aunt pondering what kind of blase, seen-it-all-before world can be faced with a possible First Contact between <em>Homo sapiens</em> and honest-to-goodness Extra-Terrestrial lifeforms and collectively say "Aliens? That's nice...is GLEE on yet?" </p>
<p> G'Day, Grinches!</p><p>Has going to the mall for supplies become a nightmarish descent into a bizarre realm of animatronic talking/singing Santa dolls and elevator musak versions of "The Little Drummer Boy?" Are you contemplating garotting strolling mall carolers with tinsel? Are you willing to wait in line for an hour just to yank Santa's beard off in front of dozens of horrified toddlers? Rest easy, Gargamels of the world, as your Scroogey Scribe is about to share with you his patented</p>
<p>Ciao Cupids!</p><p>Sick of all the constant sweaty beast humping and rapturous romance with countless gorgeous members of the opposite/same sex, but you can't afford the montly payments for <em>World of Warcraft</em> and don't want to hack off your genitals with a rusty cleaver, become a catholic priest or something equally painful? Well, now there's no need. Just follow your friendly scribes advice and you'll be desperate and dateless in no-time!</p>
<p>Bonjour, Best-Men!</p><p>Well, this week finds the Religious Rong winning another battle against love, compassion and fairness (honestly, American fundamentalist Christians seem so diametrically opposed to everything that nice Jewish boy Jesus Christ stood for they might as well just cut out the middle man and call themselves Satanists) by joining California's battle-cry of "Constitution, Schmonstitution!" and outlawing Gay Marriage in that state.</p>
<p>Bonjour, Bandagers!</p><p>You may not know it to look at me, but I belong to a minority group (no, not that one). It's a group of people who are sadly endangered across the globe (usually by ourselves) and talked about in hushed whispers—lest we hear you talking about us, come over and you enter the radius of dangerous proximity.</p><p>Yes friends, I am accident prone. </p>
<p>Salutations, Sarcophages!</p><p>Spleen-melting viruses that cross the species barrier from animal to human faster than Scooby Doo and Norville "Shaggy" Rogers after a few Ecstasy tabs too many; Homophobic racists openly tea-bagging each other in the streets and Sydney's skies turning blood-red (not due to the wildlife for once)... Clearly the world is just about due for the Global Zombie Apocalypse foretold aeons ago in Judy Blume's chillingly prophetic "Are You There God? It's Me Margaret" (What? You thought it was just censorship over-reaction?! The world's libraries keep banning Blume's books for your own good!)</p>
<p>Hiya, Hawkmen!</p>
<p>Aloha, Animorphs!<br />
<p>Salutations, Swimmers!<br />
<p>Hoo-roo Jackaroos!</p>
<p>Aloha, Angels (the hot one with fangs and the great ass from BUFFY, or the sexy sarcastic one from SUPERNATURAL that clearly wants to play hide the halo with Jared Padelecki, take your pick). </p>
<p>G'day, Cobbers!</p>