An Open Letter to the West Towne Mall Jeweler with the Same Last Name as Me
When I spied your "Frederick Asmus" nametag I nearly dropped my Auntie Anne's Roasted Garlic & Parmesan pretzel out of joy. I knew you would want to hear my story.
Comedy Writing
21 Reasons I’m Drunk Right Now
The bartender on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday nights is my best friend. So it would be irresponsible to waste an opportunity for 33% off drinks, RIGHT?!
I, Pvt. Casimir Krzyzanowski, Demand an Immediate Apology from Napoleon, Emperor of France
Emperor, after you rescued Poland I dreamt of riding by your side and feasting together. But now I shall destroy your empire with my babcia Grazyna's shoe clasp!
Memorable Middle School Yearbook Entries
"Jared, thanks for the Gyrados. Remember when we spent all our money on Jelly Bellys just to feel something? Have an existential summer." -Seth
12 Passive-Aggressive Methods to Show Roommates You Disagree With Their Life Decisions
Change the Wi-Fi password to a new verse of the Sermon on the Mount every day. Repeat until they have memorized it. Then move on to the Book of Job.
Listen Up, Period C Lunch: I AM A TWITTER GOD!
Principal Legree, you hold three college degrees, but have only a pathetic 583 followers. And you claim to rule me? I OWN WESTWOOD HIGH SCHOOL NOW.
US Government Survey: Why Did You Vote?
Please check the appropriate box below, so that we, The United States Government, know why you chose to vote in the most recent election last Tuesday.
Necessary Changes to Ready the NFL for the Coming Socialist Revolution
With only a few minor changes, Mr. Goodell, you can eradicate the tarnish of capitalism from your nefarious NFL and jump-start The Revolution!