Goodbye My Love
You were bolt of lightning. For a time I held you in my fist, crackling around my knuckles. But I let you go, and with you went a seared chunk of myself. Now you are forever lost.
Comedy Writing
Free Internet Gaming, Butler’s, and the Blades
The enemy approaches. I can hear them squeaking against each other. Ten thousand helium balloons, maybe more.
Beware the Foursquare Mayor and the New York City Fadeout
In a city of eight million people, where everyone is chasing stars and scrambling for cash, it's perfectly legitimate to simply fill your schedule until a love interest simply gives up and fades away.
Tebow-mania and the Gridiron Grace
What is there to hate? Faith is admirable for its courage if not for its substance, even for the most craven of atheists.
Low and Slow Occupy Chili
This morning I set out to reinvent the concept of chili. I went to the grocery store without a map, because recipes are for cowards, and cooking is an act of violent creation.
Paying Off the Midnight Waffles
It's the fourteenth job I've held in two years of living in New York City, and at this point it's a joyless chore, merely a means to an end.
Andy the Android, My Therapist and the Torque Therapy
I named my bike "My Therapist" after the sad pony-tailed bastard who tried to shrink me with his social-work degree. This summer I would be processing my anxiety through her drive train.
Running the Dog through a Flaming Gorge en route to Manhattan
The barista crossed me, and now she has to pay. I've outlined a revenge plot on the serviette here. I might manipulate her manager into firing her, but she's an affable hipster chick.