Avatar
Everywhere

I don't like to indulge in a lot of things, but the thinks I do like to indulge in are expensive and bad for your body. I'm a walking example of wasted potential, and that's something even Obama can't change. I dream of traveling to Las Vegas with Milla Jovovich and killing zombies to pass the time.

Comedy Writing

I’m Watching Porn

I don't really watch porn to get off anymore. Actually, I'm kidding, because what's porn good for besides beating it and giving trailer trash women everywhere another career choice besides becoming a stripper?<br />

Suburban Golfing

<p>A lot of times I think it would be easier to make jokes if I was some kind of minority. But as a white person, I feel like my source material is limited.<br />

All Good Music Festival Plus Twitter

<p>Hey everyone, I am going to be at the All Good Music Festival from July 9th through the 12th in Masontown, West Virginia. If anyone else is going, look for me, I'll be the one staring into the woods like he is about to get attacked by animals. Or you can just scream my name really loud at several different points and if I am around I will respond "What!?" really loudly.</p>

Bad Drivers No More

<p>Sorry for the lack of updates, but a combination of rapid fire 21st birthdays, my birthday, which was celebrated on four different days for some reason, white water rafting in West Virginia, a full time job and being on painkillers from injuries has left me with little time to write updates. But I'm trying.<br />

Or Maybe I’m Just Crazy

    A long time ago I heard a comedian make a joke that everyone is immortal until they die and are proven wrong, because you never know, you could be immortal. I've lived by that philosophy for the longest time and I've just pretended that I will never die, that I am in fact immortal.  <br />    

Love Me Tattooed Girl, Please Love Me

Every time I meet that tattooed girl who steals my heart and causes all the blood in my body to rush to my penis, I know I won't be hooking up with her, because I'm too mainstream apparently. This breaks my heart and kills my erection.<br /> 

Man I’m Shallow

<p>I never really noticed this before, but if there is a cute girl working out somewhere near me when I am in the gym, I turn into Fergie and focus on workin' on my fitness. Luckily I stopped pissing my pants in public, and hopefully Fergie will also get that under control.</p>

People are Strange

<p>"You know, I overheard you talking to that guy in the collar shirt the other day, and you told him that you can't always just jam it in there and hammer away, that you need to treat it like you love it and only get rough if it gets rough with you, that it was the only way you could get it to connect.

Traffic Tip of the Day

Sorry everyone, but I've been really busy trying to get shit together. So I'll leave you with some advice that makes my life easier.<br />

×Close