John Marcher West Rockport, Maine

While the overriding consensus of people who know Marcher is that he’s an outright asshole, his many notable life accomplishments include, but are not limited to: learning to ride a bike, making it totally socially acceptable to shave your head, winning multiple state championships in competitive speed-walking, and coining the phrase “dolphin fucking.” Marcher graduated in 2005 from the University of Maryland Baltimore County with a B.A. in psychology.

Perhaps the most intriguing part of Marcher’s life is that instead of writing in the traditional sense of the word, he actually gestates stories, articles, etc. directly onto the page, sometimes two or three at a time. While this allows him to get by using little or no actual creativity, the process itself is actually quite unnerving and doctors have speculated over the years that it comes from the fact that his circulatory system is filled with apathy instead of blood.