Ain’t Seen Young Folks in the Old Mckenzie Place in 30 Years
But I’m gonna lie to y’al' so’s y’all have an excuse to sit a spell with me at this here combination A&W-Long John Silver’s-Exxon gas station.
Comedy Writing
FAQ: How Our Company Will Change Under the Leadership of the Mysterious, Cloaked Men
Q; What happened to Leonard? A: Leonard was catapulted through a vibrating and glowing door frame into a space between dimensions.
A Safety Guide for Your White Water Rafting Excursion
If you encounter a group of violent mountain people who threaten to harm you, please do not use your guide as a bargaining chip to secure freedom.
I’m the World’s Deadliest Assassin But Also a Virgin By Choice
I believe in one form of penetration -- my knife stabbing. I believe in one form of protection --killing anyone who knows my true identity.
Things That Used to Be Fun in High School, But Aren’t Anymore
In order to experience that again, I had to erase my first kiss. I tracked down any record or indication that Julie Wexler ever walked the Earth.
Due to an Oddly Popular Demand, I Present 8 More Ways to Kiss Your Parents on the Lips
Now that I know there are more of us, maybe we can form a community. We kiss our parents on the lips together, and they will gently kiss us back.
Things to Do in Philadelphia That Don’t Involve Beating My Ass with a Big Hammer
The Philadelphia Museum of Art, somehow, contains a large painting of me having my ass beat with a hammer, wielded by a man who I have never met.
Why I Won’t Let My Son Sign Up For Pee-Wee Football
It’s a commitment, most football teams have several practices a week. As a single parent, I can’t make that work. Also my son is made of glass.
This Goddamn Computer is Going to Save Our Family
1946 is going to be a good year for us, my blessed family. Because with the last of our savings I've purchased us a state of the art home computer!
My Good-For-Nothin’ Uncle Bequeathed Me a Million Dollars, You Jerks!
Why squander this opportunity to be a real life millionaire; a king of kings! And I'll take a big, steaming dump on top of my empty-headed uncle's grave while I'm at it.
Please Donate to My Kickstarter So I Can Buy a Hot Tub
The goal of my Kickstarter is to accrue enough money to purchase a full-sized hot tub and have it installed in my studio apartment so I can bring in a flock of new friends.