Kara Carlson Santa Rosa, CA

Before I was laid off from my lucrative corporate real estate position of Everyone's Bitch, with the bamboozling title Executive Assistant, I graduated from the University of San Francisco in May 2008 with an English degree, Creative Writing emphasis. I attended USF on a soccer scholarship. By my sophomore year, I had been a captain and my head coach had accused me of being an alcoholic. Me: "But I'm always drinking with my teammates. I don't think I've ever gone out without them."
Head Coach: Sigh. "That means that while I thought I was recruiting the personalities on club teams, I was really recruiting alcoholics."

In the past two years, I've traveled through ten countries, and currently live in New Zealand slaving for a family with five children, functioning as an au pair. I had never babysat before accepting the job. Today's quote from the five-year-old: "Daddy puts his doodle in Mummy." Ummmm.

Actual Facts:

*** At the University of San Francisco, the administration waived my foreign language two-year requirement because I claimed "Foreign Language Disability" in the disabilities office one day after I knew I failed a Spanish test.
*** Our Division-1 soccer team was known as the drinking team around campus.
*** My best friends in college were Fi-Town, Twat, and K-Hoe. They were also my teammates. We repeatedly angered our male assistant coach by screaming Twat on the field in practices and games.
*** In college, I worked in USF's Law School, Human Resources, and in the Admissions Office. I was a University Ambassador. Aka I gave tours and told drunken stories. No parents ever commended me to the Admissions Office. I also worked for a senator and a real estate company. In high school, I worked in a hospital. One day, in the OR, I fell asleep while watching an operation. I awoke to the surgeon screaming, "Put him back under! We lost his ball." His ball sack was the size of a brain, and his penis the size of a nine-month-old's. I looked on the floor for his ball.
*** I can sleep anywhere. I fell asleep taking the SAT's, and in a one-on-one meeting with a professor my senior year.
*** My senior year at USF, I turned a final paper worth 50% of my overall grade in a week and a half late. Two days before it was due, I went to Reno for the weekend with three male friends. During an all-male pillow-fight, one of the guys picked up my laptop. "You can't hit me. You can't hit me," he repeated. A pillow connected with the laptop, which smashed to the floor, breaking the screen. I hadn't started the paper, but did have notes. The professor of this class was the one who had to wake me up in our meeting.
*** I have 20/400 vision. This was confirmed by the military last year. I went through MEPS, was sworn in and procured a job as Communications Specialist. I then traveled through India for six months while technically a recruit in the Delayed Entry Program, returned from India, and quit the military.
*** I currently live in New Zealand, as a slave for a family with five children. The kids talk about poos and doodles every day.