This Pyramid Building Operation Is Anything but a Pyramid Scheme
If we work together, we can achieve anything! Specifically, a huge, triangular crypt for Pharaoh, through which he will transcend into the afterlife.
Comedy Writing
Unfortunately, You Have Not Been Accepted to the United States of America
You also referenced a desire to give your children a better life than you were afforded. Unfortunately, the board felt this was a bit unoriginal.
So You Want to Be the Devil’s Advocate
Must have a very strong bladder. We don't have many public restrooms here in Hell, and you will almost certainly have to wait in line.
In This House, We Say Merry Christmas
When other people say, "Could you point me towards the restroom? Please hurry, I really have to go," we say, “Merry Christmas."
Things I Would Rather Do at Thanksgiving Dinner Than Answer Questions About My Personal Life
Give a TED talk to my family titled "The Evolution of My Personal Blogs," except every time I would usually say “blog” I have to say “blerg.”