Welcome to Amtrak’s “Quiet Car Chopped All-Stars: Fight Club”
The first rule of Amtrak's "Quiet Car Chopped All-Stars: Fight Club" is: Kindly shut the fuck up about everything. Enjoy bare-knuckle chef combat.
Comedy Writing
What It’s Like Being the Artist Who Applies Smokey Eye Makeup to Actor Jeff Goldblum
My makeup pouch is my jetpack and I'm here to reduce the puffy circles of my Oscar, Emmy, Genie and Drama Desk Award nominated client. Unfortunately, I seem to have lost track of him.
To My Family: Yes, I’m Donating My Body to the College of Liberal Arts
I don’t need my dead body being jabbed into on a cutting board by doctors. I'd rather help the humanities with their flow of corpses.
How to Get Revenge on Your Roommate Who’s a Protester
I'm not saying that these steps will permanently get rid of YOUR own live-in activist, but for the good of America, shouldn't you at least try?
6 Reasons Your Ugly-Cry at This Basketball Game is Ruining My Life
Going for that peak-psycho ugly-cry in a public place surrounded by crazy sports fans probably isn't going to score you any "girlfriend points."
Top 5 Alternatives to the Bridal Bouquet Toss
Whether it's a Hunger Games DVD, or your grandma into a crowd-surfing situation, there are much better things you can toss out at a reception than a bouquet.
Infrequently Answered Questions
Why do you cry? Because your eyes are still constantly producing tears after that one guy you met as a freshman in college.
Drunk Playlist Generator (Just Add Vodka)
I've configured my playlist according to wordplay generated from wildly-named music artists, creating one continuous musical mash-up matrix. Just add more vodka.
Otto Querrec, Founder of AutoCorrect, Defends His Existence
I twist nicknames into erotica. I randomly default to German. I'm a quirky invisible playmate. I graduated college with a major AND a minor. I rule your iPhone.
A Mad Libs Breakup Letter
It's not because your hair is so bad in the morning that dainty bunnies have tried to mate with it. Thankfully, it's everything else wrong with you.
25 Words & Expressions With Completely New Meanings
Language is organic and needs to grow, but mostly it's vaguely sexual. Here is a glimpse into some meaning-morphing that you will use in everyday speech and print.
An Open Letter to My OkCupid Stalker
Remember me? I don't want to brag, but you checked out my OkCupid profile every day for months before finally messaging me with "wink…wink… what’s your bra size."