The four levels of severe mental retardation are, in descending order: moron, imbecile, idiot, and cretin. In the fall of 2009, the Texas Board of Mental Incompetency, in a precedent-setting move, established the new category sub-cretin of which I am, to date, the only member. My previous cretin designation proved woefully inadequate in categorizing a subject who emotionally bonds with a Cheeto believing it to be both his mother and the Almighty Creator.